Almost daily diary!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Influences (or Effects) part 2

After writing the first part of this meme, I realised that actually these people which I am writing about have, perhaps, not really influenced my life so much as as effected it. Influenced is so much more often used and associated with a good thing, but some people just effect, whether you want them to or not...

When he called me into the bedroom I knew what he wanted, I had felt this moment coming for a long time. I was 14, the age my own daughter is soon to be. The memory is hazy, I think he called my name and I walked into the room obediently, like the child that I still was. I can't remember what I was wearing, a nightdress I think, I don't think girls wore pyjamas back then.

I remember standing by the side of his bed, the bed they shared when my mother was there, a big bed in a big room adorned with frills and lace, yellow and peach in the daytime, very grey during the dark hours. I remember him asking me to get onto the bed, I don't know how long it took me to do so or how many times he asked. In my mind I think it took a long time. In my memory I was not scared, not in a scary sort of way, I was just unsure, I knew it was wrong of him to ask me. He was the adult, the 'responsible adult' with whom I'd been left; in his care. I knew that this wasn't what children would normally be asked to do.

In my memory I sat astride him, as he had asked. In reality I hope I did not, I really hope I did not. He asked me to get into the bed with him. Into it. With him. He was lonely, he said and he wanted a cuddle.

I don't know how I managed to return back to my own bed. I can't remember if I cried, if I ran back, or walked. I do know I said NO though. That I do remember; no, I can't do that, it's not right.

Later, in my own bedroom, in my own bed, I remember him standing beside me, over me. Maybe he was weeping or maybe he was not and at some point he uttered the sentence they all use; 'Don't tell your mother, she'll make me go away and that will make her sad' Like other children before me, I agreed, tears streaming down my cheeks by now. Sometime later during that night eventually I slept, in the same house with him, alone in my room.

I agreed to say nothing because he was right, she would be sad and I loved my mother very much.

Eventually I spoke out, during a row about something quite different. I don't know to this day whether she believed me, she never did anything about it though, it was far too late for that by then anyway.

Influence or effect? It still effects my relationship with my mother, the relationship she has with my children, she has suffered, whether she knows it or not; things could have been so different.


Steve said...

The worst of it is such experiences stay with you throughout your life forever. They lurk there inside you always. Your mother must have known. They always do and that's the saddest part of all.

My Walkabout said...

So brave to to this out there. You honesty with this is felt wholeheartedly.

Maggie May said...

The problem us...... a child is always made to feel its their fault when it obviously isn't.
What a creep.
Glad you wrote about it. writing is healing.You must have it in your mind right now as your daughter is almost the same age. Maybe it seems more shocking to you because of that.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Kitty said...

These shadows sit in the corners of our mind - sometimes dark and brooding; sometimes just 'there'. I'm glad you said something to your mother, even if it was during a row about something else. ((((((Burby)))))) x

Hadriana's Treasures said...

How brave of you Suburbia to write about this. I believe it is part of the healing process to talk about it. It must be hard for you to think about it...let alone write it. Hugs Hadriana xx

Akelamalu said...

So many of us keep the secret forever. As children we instinctively know that telling would cause so much trouble and upset don't we? I hope writing about it has helped. x

Anonymous said...

Sub, I'm so glad I came back to blogging. What an awful thing to have happen, and to carry it around, but well done on being able to write about it here.
Peter x

Rob-bear said...

You are one gutsy lady for putting this out in the public, Suburbia. I hope it was, as others have suggested, a healing process.

Bear hugs (gentle ones) to you!

Furtheron said...

What an incredibly brave post.

My daughter is that age now and I can't imagine how I'd feel etc.

Still years later since you write about it here it affects every day and your relationships with so many others.

I feel very sad about this - glad that you at least can share it openly that is good but still very sad that is needs sharing at all

Mean Mom said...

What a dreadful thing you have had to live with. Adults wield so much power over children and the effects of their actions and their words are so far reaching. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

Rose said...

You're so brave for writing this, Suburbia; I hope that writing helps in the healing process, although I imagine this is something you will never forget. What a horrible experience to go through! It's understandable that this has made your relationship with your mother strained. It's hard for me to understand how any adult can do such harm to a child.

Carol said...

Sub, I don't know if I have ever said this but I think you are amazing! You are a gutsy, funny, loving and feisty woman. I hope writing about this has helped.

C x

Louba said...

It must have been really hard for you to write this, I hope putting it down has been a positive and helpful experience for you. It is a total cliche but I do still belive that what happens in your life no matter how bad, can make you a better person as long as you have the right attitude. You seem to have that by the bucket load.

Chic Mama said...

You are very brave to write memories aren't quite so bad but still I will never be able to write them down. :0(
I hope it helps. x

Liz Hinds said...

Thank God you had the courage and strength to say no. You are a brave woman.

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

I so late in catching up Suburbia. I read this post and cried.

I can't write any more. It is just too painful.

L. xx However, my thoughts are as always, with you.