Almost daily diary!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Black Dog

Today I am alone, self imposed loneliness. I thought I'd try it.

I have work to do but am distracted by remnants of a past life, several past lives .

I have a tin of photographs, I lift the lid and shuffle through. The second one I come to is my dear granny, long gone now, but still remembered often. In the photo she is sitting on a deck chair in a sunny garden, my parents old house I think, and she is smiling, perhaps even laughing. It can't have been taken that long before she died, she looks old and frail in the picture. We must have been having a BBQ at the time I think, perhaps a celebration, maybe a birthday. Tears spring from my eyes as I see the picture. It takes me by surprise.

I flick through all the years printed so colourfully on glossy paper. All that time, passing in an instant. In amongst the photos are long lost friends, long lost partners, and moments that will never return. Today I am looking backwards, to the past and I want to turn the clock back.

There are photos of me in the tin, some of them taken when I was barely 4 years older than Tall Girl is now. And it is not so much that I am lamenting the loss of my youth, but the people in it. How can I have been so careless as to lose them?

My head is hurting now, I have cried for too long and the Black Dog has sniffed about and remains at my feet, curled up but drawing me down.

This year life has moved on relentlessly, I never have time to stop but perhaps this is why, it seems that, as soon as I stop running, he catches me up. It doesn't do to slow down these days, if you keep on moving forwards there is less time to look back.

Today Tall Girl updated her blog. Her post is the total opposite of this one. This is the final sentence of her post "I have changed over the last few months and feel more exited for what's going to happen in the near future!"
I have never read her so wonderfully full of excitement and youth before. I don't remember having the feeling myself at her age; I am glad she is so self aware. It is as though she has just realised that her whole life is before her, isn't that wonderful? Wouldn't you like just a little piece of that again? I envy her, for I have squandered over half of mine already. This, I guess, is how it feels to be grown up.

I realise today that, for the first time in several years, I have no plan. So where do I go from now? Do I wait?  No, I must move on relentlessly before the Black Dog wakes again. But in the meantime I will look to my daughter and listen to some wise words that she has found... 'Every day may not be good, but there will be something good in every day'


Looking for Blue Sky said...

I cry over old photos too, I often find that I really don't want to look at them, and I can't even write or blog properly at the moment, I can't find anything new to say. I would love some of Tall Girl's enthusiasm for life, pity it can't be bottled!

Furtheron said...

I am trying to make up a new plan at the moment and start to enact it but who knows if it will be right or not or even work. Like you one thing I miss is some of those already no longer in any plan any more.

Elizabeth said...

Hope you are soon feeling more cheerful.
Yes, photos bring back very mixed emotions!

Barbara said...

Looking through old photos can bring up many emotions, life is tough and I am sorry to read the Black Dog has been around. Like you I don't remember being so excited when I was young. Hopefully you can make some plans and have something to look forward to.

Maggie May said...

I think your daughter's words are very wise.
I like to browse through old photos too and often feel the same as you do. Things do move on and people get left behind but all the experiences we have are never wasted it is all part of living. I wouldn't want to have to go through it all again. Lets press on and enjoy what we can........ just remind me to do that from time to time when I forget!
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Rob-bear said...

Ah, yes. My parents are gone. I have a half-dozen first cousins, but don't really know where they are. My friends from high school live half a continent away. (In the Colony of Canada, that's a significant distance.) That was then; this is now.

I love Tall Girls excitement. She is a beautiful young woman in so many ways.

I do not like the Black Dog. His brother is here most of the time.

But we move on, plan or otherwise.

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)

Tattieweasle said...

It's wondrful to look at old photos and scary too that we lose so many friends over the years. But we have these glorious memories to keep us company to help beat the black dog into submission. It's taken me two months to start writing again and gettng out after the most recent black dog visit. Believe me, he will go away and you will feel so much better!

Anonymous said...

Old photos always bring strong memories, good or bad. Faces trapped in the past. Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. x

Liz Hinds said...

Hope the black dog has moved on to a new home. xx

I love going through old photos and I am sad that in future there won't be boxes of photos to rummage in but just virtual clouds or usb sticks, which don't summon up quite the same pleasure!

Anonymous said...

We ALL have days like this. You cannot possibly have squandered your life or you wouldn't have happy memories to look back at and shed a tear for. I am sure when this day passed you brushed yourself off and refocused. Old wounds do open from time to time and can make us weep but that's life I'm afraid and I think you have an awful lot to be proud of so please don't fret.x

Rob-bear said...

Oh, dear! I hope the Black Dog hasn't kept you from posting!

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting,
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry).

Geraldine said...

I cry when I look at old photos too, sometimes unbearable to consider the loss of loved ones. This was a very touching post to read. I hope you are feeling better and happier soon. Take care.

Love your avatar image!

Carol said...

It's lovely to see you here and I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough.

Old photographs are mixed blessings...they remind us of the good and the not so good and can make us nostalgic. I always feel a bit melancholy after looking at old pics.

For the record, I don't think you have squandered your life at all! You have two fabulous children and you are clearly doing an amazing job of bringing them up...your managing to be parent and friend and that is not an easy thing to do. As for plans...pah...I have NEVER had a plan go to...erm...plan :-D. Just do what you love to do, look out for opportunities and when they come around grab them.


C x

DD's Diary said...

I think it's a 'glass half empty' thing, isn't it? Half a life still to live means you can start over, hopefully without the black dog nipping at your ankles. Take care x

Saz said...

oh dear Sub, i wish you had been in contact, had i known i would have reached out...

i know i have been quiet also, family drama and betrayl unfolding and am shellshicked, yet we move on..

all i can say to you dear heart is that as they grow more and more...and we anticipate change more palpably, we realise we are diminished and a little lost....and the one think i realise, i needed was apurpose beyond the daily, the routine, a purpose for you...your future...
i hope you find it...(you nay already have...)

saz xx breathe