Almost daily diary!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

I'm not really sure where I've been!

Its nearly Christmas and it doesn't seem that many years since Small Sprog was buzzing about with excitement singing wall to wall Christmas jingles and having asthma attacks!

So where is he today, I hear you ask (if anyone's still there?!) Well he's online - he had a good role model in me but he takes it to the limit! The songs are gone and Christmas may have lost it's sparkle - it's difficult to tell with a teenager- but I can see 'my boy' in there and I love him to bits! His voice has 3 different variants; screechy, normal and 'big man'. When the 'big man' voice comes out Tall Girl and I, for a split second, assume a stranger has entered the house! It's a great voice, I love it, I just wish he could do it all of the time! The screechy voice of past Christmas excitement is on it's way out and although I mourn it's passing, it's also a blessing - it always gave me a headache!

It is our last Christmas here in suburbia- in this house. And as I say it I worry that I may jinx something and that all our plans may fall away and I will be left with nothing but dreams. Oddly Facebook reminds me how things change in ways we rarely expect - memories pop up to haunt me there, both mine and my partners daughters. Today she had a memory from 5 years ago; a picture of her and her sister, 5 years younger, the age our youngest are now. Then another photo from 3 years ago when they were in NY - before I even knew they existed - spending Christmas abroad because it was there first without their mother. My own memories are lame in comparison but remind me that when I moved in here, things were very different and you never can know the future.

This year has been amazing - I am getting married on Valentines weekend - yet the lows have been very low, I lost my job, and it's been difficult to write here for sometime. What a year, and that's what I mean, who would have thought, this time last year, that all that would have happened?

In my head I worry that I will lose the ones I love before I have time to enjoy them to the full. Perhaps you have the same thoughts?

Yesterday we 'did Christmas' with Mum. As we arrived she was decorating the Christmas cake, I made her a cup of tea, she had a sherry in one hand and insisted on trying Small Sprogs cider in the other - somethings always make me smile! Surprisingly the cake came out ok and we had a good time there despite it being a week early. We have had an uneasy relationship this year, Mum and I, culminating with me having 'the conversation' with her about my abusive step father (with help from my counsellor) the conversation I never thought I'd be able to have, and it's brought things to the fore for her. I don't regret it but I wish we could change things - yet you can never change the past - we can only look to the future and hope...


Maggie May said...

Wow! An action packed post! So good to have you back!
Congratulations on the forthcoming marriage and so pleased that things seem to be working out for you (apart from the job).
Are you still going to be in the city?

Looking forward to hearing the details.
Maggie x

nick said...

Talking about memories of the past, do you realise we've known each other for a good seven years? So I've been following the twists and turns of your life for quite a while!

Sorry to hear about your lost job and your work problems. But good to know you've fixed your wedding day. And good to know you had that difficult conversation with your mum.

I like SS's three different voices! And does he do foreign accents as well?

Looking for Blue Sky said...

That does sound like an emotional year, with so many ups and downs. Hopefully you feel a sense of relief that you had that conversation with your mum and can now relax and enjoy the wedding preparations - absolutely thrilled for you xx

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

its been an interesting journey! I think crystal balls would be hard ... too many lows ahead that we can only deal with at the time. Thankfully the highs help us keep balanced and I am so happy for you. Wishing you a wonderful wedding and life together.

Furtheron said...

Lovely post.

Whilst actually I wasn't that ill there was a moment as the ambulance whisked me off to the hospital and then when they started pumping multiple drugs into my arm that a thought passed through my head - Shit is this it? I can't leave my kids now?

Hmm... I should probably post on this.

Good news - my son is at home for Christmas, with his other half now... probably next year they'll go to her parents and maybe we'll go to Belgium with my brother which he's done since his first marriage collapsed.

Happy New Year and ... all the best for your exciting New Year

Rose said...

I think Christmas time brings back so many memories and not all of them pleasant. I never have my whole family together for Christmas anymore--one daughter and her family live too far away, and one son isn't on speaking terms with the rest of the family, sigh. But we make the most of the time we have; at least I had 5 of the 7 grandchildren here for Christmas, and today we're all going to the nursing home to celebrate with my mother. Life changes, that's for sure. Remembering some of your past Christmas posts, I think you are on a definite positive upturn. So happy for you with your upcoming marriage!

Barbara said...

You have had an emotional year this year, sorry you have lost your job, Christmas does bring back lots of memories and sadly not always good ones. I am really pleased about your upcoming marriage.