I'm still here!

We had to dress up at work today. I'm not keen on dressinng up, especially for work. It just seems to be another task to do in what seem to be enlessly busy weeks. Goodness me I sound a bit of a Scrooge, bah humbug, but I guess you will know what I mean? Busy term, loads of changes, hanging on in there through various domestic traumas and then having to think of a costume, assemble it and, wear it to work. Along with Small Sprog too obviously, who also needed a costume, as I work at his school.

So when I finished work today at lunchtime, I held my breath all the way home because the car was running on empty, and I had no wish to stop at the petrol station as a witch, crimped hair and all.

I pulled up outside my lovely new house, which is in a relatively quiet side road, and sat in the car for a while as I texted from my phone. I was so engrossed, that I didn't notice anyone approach until there was a knock on the car window. A very suspicious looking character was speaking to me through the glass, he looked a little disheveled and not all his features seemed in the right place. I felt a little nervous. I realised that I couldn't hear him properly through the closed window and was about to open the car door to talk to him when I thought better of it and opened the window slightly instead whilst pressing the button to automatically lock all the car doors at the same time.

"Can you tell me where Churchill Road is?" He asked pleasantly enough. I thought about it, I am new to this area and wasn't entirely sure but I think I sent him in the right direction.

As I watched him walk off down the street, I silently chastised myself for judging him by his appearance. He was harmless and had been very polite.

It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror that I realised it ought to have been him who was a little scared. I bet he didn't expect to ask a witch for directions when he got out of bed this morning!

Friday night is disco night!

It was Small Sprogs school disco this evening. He loves the school disco. At school though, in his class, he doesn't have many friends. Most of the boys are very much 'Alpha Males', children with older brothers, from male orientated families. Small Sprog has a big sister, enjoys girls company and hates football. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, I wish he had a good friend, but then I am a girl, looking at the whole thing in a girly sort of way!

So on the way to school this morning I asked him if he was looking forward to going.

'Yes' he smiled

'Are any of your friends going?' I asked

'Think so' he replied

Now, as a girl, I would have already spoken to all my friends about what we were all wearing and where we were going to meet up. He had obviously not had any of those conversations, I worried about him being there without a friend.

'What are you going to do there?' I asked, wanting reassurance from him in a way, that he was going to be alright.

'Gonna have a larf' he replied nonchalantly!

Of course he was! What on earth was I thinking?!

This way up

I have landed on my feet. I am very, very lucky. What an amazing week I have had here in my new home and new life? Having moved last Friday, a very smooth move, by Saturday the place looked fairly straight and I felt very 'at home'. The children seem settled and Small Sprog is sleeping better (touch wood) I couldn't be more pleased.

Last weekend was full of visitors, lots of happy people bearing flowers, gifts and cards, I couldn't believe how lovely it all was, my friends, in my home. Almost too many blessings to count. Though I did count them, am still counting. . .

It didn't stop there either. On Monday my Lovely Mans parents came down and bought us a delicious lunch. Then today I met fellow blogger Bobo, who also bought me lunch! (Lunch is such a lovely word, don't you think? It sort of sounds yummy, or perhaps I just love eating?!) It was fab to meet him, isn't it brilliant the way we can mix our virtual and non virtual worlds sometimes? (Thanks Bobo and thanks to Hulla too for my amazing gift. Hope to see you one day too)

Even more fabulous things are planned for the weekend. My Man and I are away for two nights, somewhere special and then dropping into see his lovely family on the way home, staying overnight there too to make a really long weekend. How amazing is that?

Sometimes life can be a huge pain in the bum, and yet at other times, well it just keeps getting better. My mantra, the thing I have learnt over the last two years, is to live for the moment and make the most of every day. I remind myself of this often, for I have spent a long time living in the past and the here and now were never a thing I considered often. So if you are reading this and having a 'pain in the bum' sort of a time, take heart for nothing lasts forever. Soon good times will come again, but they won't last forever either, so make each minute count. It's a great life and right now, I intend to live it.

In love with my Kitchen

'I love meatballs Mummy' says Tall Girl, shovelling down her supper last night. 'I think we should have them on the menu every week'

'Me too' splutters Small Sprog, through another mouthful.

I smile to myself. At last, a meal they agree on, something they both like, no 'Jack Sprat', for they never agree on a meal, satisfying one often leads to howls of revulsion from the other!

I enjoyed making the meal too, perhaps it showed in the eating. Stirring the rich tomatoey sauce slowly on the stove, chopping onions, crushing juicy garlic, watching it bubble in the pan. I can't remember enjoying cooking a meal that much for a long time, in my kitchen, my own space.

We all eat with glee, candles lit, music playing. The new kitchen table, a John Lewis indulgence, laid with my favourite bright mats. A pot of bright 'tet-a-tet' daffodils in the centre.

After the children have gone upstairs, after clearing up, I replace the lit candle with my favourite glass fruit bowl, fold the napkins, take stock. I flick the light switch, smile at the effect of the homely glow, the arrangement, my things, the way I like them, the atmosphere, the calm.

I take a deep breath, count my considerable blessings, turn out the light once more and head to bed. How strange it is to be here, after so long, strange but very, very good indeed.

2 Years old!

I have missed my birthday! 2 years of blogging on 3rd March. I can't believe it's been that long and, I know it sounds strange, those two years have changed my world.

I love that so many of my bloggy friends that I made during that first few months are still blogging too. I love being part of this community. Only you lot will understand that!

See you all when I am either 'borrowing' an Internet connection, or have my own again.

Meanwhile have a virtual glass of bubbly. I have 2 things to celebrate, 2 years here, and a new home with a whole new future ahead. You have to help me drink to that surely?!

Cheers!

Finally

Tonight is the last night I will spend in this house. After all the waiting it seems very strange, almost unreal. I have been here 9 years, Small Sprog was less than 18 months old when we moved in. He learnt to walk in the back garden, both children learnt to ride their bikes here, they have both started school from here, they have celebrated many birthdays and Christmases here too, they have grown. So many milestones, So many memories. Yet for the children, to move house will be even more strange. Tomorrow I leave for good, but they will continue to come back here to their 'home', every time they see their Dad. I hope they can deal with that. I am glad that I don't have too.

I would never have guessed, when I moved in, that I would move out under these circumstances, alone with my children. It is a strange life. Sometimes, I think, it is better not to know what the future holds.

This might be the last time....

All packed now and waiting to move on, apart from last minute things; favourite bedtime toys, hair straighteners (TG's) and the Wii! It is over 15 years since I lived alone and then I was childless.The responsibility of being a single parent feels very daunting. Gosh, I never thought I'd be one.

This morning, when I went into Tall Girls room, she suddenly said 'Mummy, I think we should all have baths on our first night in our new house (this is the girl that never used to like washing!), then we can put on or PJ's, and snuggle under a blanket to watch TV and eat pizza'

'What a fab idea' I replied and smiled to myself, this was how she wanted to celebrate, she is very happy to be moving, I hope it lives up to her expectations. It did indeed sound a lovely way to spend our first evening there together, if I can just tear myself away from the gentle murmuring of the boxes... 'Unpack me' they will call. I just hope I can resist the temptation to get straight as soon as possible.

PS.The good news is I may have an internet connection by middle of next week. Yay!

Not there quite yet but soon.

Sorry I'm not visiting much at the moment. It has been a manic few days. I have spent the weekend moving furniture from various places, Mums mostly, and then beds from 2 different friends who have kindly donated to my cause, loads of stashed goodies from BS5 and elsewhere, finishing off with picking up 2 new mattresses. This coming Friday I have a removal company booked to move me out of suburbia. Only 3 more days to spend here, after nearly 9 years of being in this house. I never really liked it when we moved in, I will not mind shutting the door for the last time.

I have spent all day here alone boxing things up. I forgot how much you can collect over the years. It should be mandatory to move every year or so, just so you have a good clear out! It has been a happy but exhausting day, and I have worked flat out. It feels so good to pack up my favourite things and imagine them in a new home. I feel as though I should be sad, but I can't muster any other emotion but gladness.

Oh, apart from annoyance that I can't get an Internet connection to my new home for 3 or 4 weeks. I'll miss you!

Got my keys. OMG. I'm scared.

Preparations

It has been a busy week, with lots to sort out, boxes to pack and vans to book. There are hiccups, isn't moving one of the top ten stressful things to do, along with divorce I believe? I hope to get my keys on Friday, but as yet, my employer has not sent back the reference for me, another 2 days before they can tick a couple of boxes and fax it back can you believe? Perhaps I should go to work today and twiddle my thumbs for a while!!

Anyway, Small Sprog is excited about having a larger bedroom when we move. He has a dream of setting up his Scalextrics his new room, so that the track runs under his bed. He has talked about this a lot, he has 'boy genes' for moving house, Tall Girl is more interested in matching bedding and sparkly cushions!

Husband has other thoughts about the racetrack. He wants to keep it here for Small Sprog, to set up in the attic room when I have gone. I mentioned the issue to Small Sprog this morning.

'I want to have it in both houses' he said.

Husband had obviously chatted to Small Sprog about it too.

'You can move it between both houses if you like' I replied .'Seeing as we have a van though, where do you want to have it first?'

He thought long and hard. I know he wants it in his new home, he has talked about it a lot. I could see a 'thinking frown' on his face.

'I'll leave it here for a while' he said after careful consideration 'So then Daddy will have something to look forward to'

I could have cried. He is 10, born thoughtful and kind. In all of this upheaval, he is thinking about other peoples feelings. What more could I ask for?

(Mind you, these thoughts do not count when doing battle with ones sister!!)

I've done it!

Oh my goodness, I have done it! I have put a holding deposit on a house for the three of us.

Now I know I've done this before, about 2 weeks ago, and the landlord refused us in favour of a 2.4 family unit. I was upset then, it seemed that I was never meant to escape and I have to say I still liked that house better. However we have kept looking over the last 10 days or so, and after much mind boggling confusedness, sometimes seeing several properties daily, I realised I needed to make a decision.

The children fell in love with a fairly new house in a very built up area. I have a dream to be surrounded by more greenery and trees. There were 2 rented houses, one in each category. Choosing between them was hard.

Last Friday night I felt as though I was loosing my mind and couldn't think straight. My wonderful S.O. took me to the country and his family for the weekend. It was such a relief not to think for a few days and when I returned, things seemed not so bad but I also knew I could no longer wait for the perfect house. I was lucky to have a couple of options and so I needed to decide.

Tuesday night I spent quite a while on the phone to my favourite and very sensible friend. I had tried talking it through with Mum, but she was hopeless! Not her fault, just too close to the situation I guess. Anyway, my wonderful friend listened, reflected back to me and after a while I realised which move was best, sometimes just verbalising the whole thing brings it all into perspective. 'If the children are happy, you will be too' she said, very wisely. I knew she was right.

So yesterday morning I put down a holding deposit on the childrens favourite house and, subject to references (because the landlady has agreed to have a single mum as a tenant already) I should have keys a week tomorrow.

Gosh, I am scared! But very excited too, just keeping a lid on that until my references have cleared and then, well, a whole new way of living I hope!

Mediation..

Mediation yesterday was neither good nor bad. The finances, which we were supposed to be discussing, were pushed to the end because half of the time was spent with husband going over what had been agreed regarding the children weeks before, mostly insisting on deciding a date when he could have both children week on week off.

I have tried hard to push this option to the back of my mind. Last session we just said as and when, no date, leave it to the children to decide. But no, he wants to plan a moment in time. I know it will happen one day, when they are older. I dread it, hope that they will feel too comfortable in the familiar arrangement that they will have got used to and not want to change it, hope that in two years time everyone will have a different perspective....

However the reality is that husband wants to plant the seed of living with him week on week off, now. Hoping that it will become what is expected when the time comes. The mediator asked me what I thought, he mentioned not brainwashing them. I said I did not want to lose them to a 50/50 arrangement, but that when they were older I would trust them to choose. I cannot rock the boat and stake my claim forever. I felt that so much progress was made last time that I didn't want to go back 10 paces. So I agreed that they could decide, in 2 years, whether they wanted to live with their Dad every other week.

I have to trust them, worse, I have to trust him not to put pressure on them. Two years is a long time, things will change for all of us, but I know it will fly by in reality. I hope I do not live to regret not being more assertive, though I don't think I could have refused, it would have jeopardised everything that had gone before. For now I have them, for now.

Half term

It has been a strangely lonely half term, and this is only the feeling I have, in reality it has been reasonably full and fun.

Most half terms, unless we are away, which becomes more and more unlikely these days, are spent enjoying late mornings, meeting friends and playing (the children) and drinking tea (us mums) It is all very pleasant and sociable and keeps me sane. However one arrangement with a friend on Monday did not happen because of illness (theirs) and it left the beginning of the week very empty. We had all been looking forward to seeing them, the children and I. My friend R has a nasty chesty cold and her daughter is worse, they are very fed up not to have done anything all week but feel ill. Poor things.

Yesterday I had a very long call from her regarding all her worries for her eldest daughter who is incredibly neurotic and hardly sleeps, keeping her mother up until 2am most nights, there are health worries and mental health too,she talks about her husband troubles and constant money problems. I listened and wished I could wave a magic wand. In the end I had to finish the call in order to go to a house viewing. I didn't like to stop her mid flow.

Then last night I had a cryptic text at about 10pm. 'Are you there?' it said. Goodness me, I thought, I hope her daughter hadn't taken a turn for the worse, or that her Husband hasn't been harsh with her again or...

I texted back,'Yes I'm here, do you want me to call you?'

'No can't talk out loud' she said. Then another text...

'One of the guinea pigs has just died, I don't know how I'm going to tell the girls in the morning'

I texted back my sympathies and said soothing things (I think). She has a lot on her plate and sometimes small things can be the last straw. Another message from her minutes later 'And now Eldest Daughter has a nose bleed'

'OMG' I texted back 'I don't know how you cope'

'I don't know how you cope either' she acknowledged later.

We all need good friends sometimes

Last Wednesday (part two)

When the old sea dog emerged from the interview room I offered him his seat back, it took him a while to understand me, but he refused my offer, I was glad I had offered.

Number 2 was called in, a large woman, very large. She waddled towards the small room. I wondered how much of the room she would take up with her vastness. The sea dog sat in her chair.

When she reappeared from the interview room, she took four paces forward, towards the seat she had occupied earlier. She shuffled forward again and stood, almost toe to toe, with the Old Sea Dog. She stared at him in silence. The tension in the room rose, a pin could have dropped and crashed to the ground. I could see the poor mans confusion. It took him a while to realise what was going on. Eventually he stood, gave up his seat, and walked to the centre of the room as she sat down heavily, filling the seat as before.

I wondered to myself if I should ask him if he would like my seat again, then person number 3 was called. Obviously the third seat became vacant, but the Old Sea Dog remained on his feet. One experience like that would be enough for anyone in this less than comfortable environment. I felt the tears again. There was no kindness in the room.

Then another man, sitting two seats down the row from where I was sitting, stood and motioned to the Sea Dog that he should take his seat instead. I had noticed this man earlier mostly because his mobile went off every few minutes, sending a jolly Middle Eastern tune, or perhaps it was more 'Bollywood', around the waiting room. He was a short stubby man, dressed from head to toe in black, I couldn't make out the language he spoke into his phone.

The Bollywood ring tone man gently insisted to the Sea Dog that he should use his seat. The Sea Dog gratefully accepted. The Bollywood ring tone man then sat in the seat belonging to the person in the interview room. Woe betide anyone who expected that seat back again!

The right thing had been done. There was kindness in the room, it wasn't totally a 'dog at dog' world.

We sat in silence, the rest of us, avoiding gazes, only the occasional mobile phone conversation added interest to the icy room. One by one the seats became empty, people moved on, the tension drained but the coldness remained. Outside the snow fell.

Was the wait worth it? No, not really. I learnt nothing new about my position. No financial help was available. Joint funds mean no help, despite my low income. I am lucky, I guess, to have any savings at all. It's still a tricky 'on the edge' type of existence alone though. When I am penniless I can live rent free. I hope it never comes to that.

Last Wednesday (part one)

I am the last person in the waiting room. There is a biting draft blowing around my ankles caused by the two inch gap between the ill fitting front door and the stone step beneath. Outside it has started to snow, though over three hours ago, when I was queuing outside, the sky had been blue and the day held such promise.

When the doors opened at 9.30am I was given a card with the number 13 on it, there were two more people behind me. By the time we had all passed through the doors into the chilly room, all the seats were full and someone was occupying the floorspace near the only bit of wall without a door in it.

I stood

The atmosphere was tense. Everyone in the room needed attention, urgently. There were 10 appointments and 15 clients.

Within a few minutes a man came out of the office to address the whole room, explaining the system; a five minute interview with each person in the room to identify need and then an interview to deal with the problem, if you were lucky...

Number one was called, an older man, with the look of an 'Old Sea Dog' about him, large misted eyes and possibly hard of hearing, he stood and entered the interview room.

I went to sit on his seat and waited. I read the posters around the room, domestic violence, help with debts, racial violence, teenage pregnancy... It was a depressing place. The tears stung my eyes, and rolled silently down my cheeks as I fished for a tissue in my pocket to hastily mop them up.

When the old sea dog emerged from the interview room I offered him his seat back, it took him a while to understand me, but he refused my offer, I was glad I had offered.

Number 2 was called in, a large woman, very large. She waddled towards the small room. I wondered how much of the room she would take up with her vastness. The sea dog sat in her chair.

The room was still full, and twitchy. In the corner was a radio blaring out the local station, lots of jolly tunes in such juxtaposition to the mood of the room. It wasn't until sometime later that I noticed the thick chain that secured it to the radiator cover. Above the radio was a clock on the wall, it said 9.30 am, the time that the doors had opened, when I left four hours later it still said the same time in the waiting room. . .

One step forwards and seven back.

I have had the worst week in ages this last seven days. Wednesday was a horrible day and I need to write about that soon, but after having a week to ten days of mental turmoil (plus the last year or so!) about whether I can afford to move out and rent a house for the three of us, I really thought it was all over. I made the decision, wise or not, to live for the moment. Mental health was more important than long term financial security.

So yesterday I took the children to a second viewing of a lovely house. They instantly liked it as had I on first inspection. It was cheaper than the other good one we had seen the week before. So, after weeks of sleepless nights, I took the plunge. Said yes, wrote the check and took the form away with me to fill in for references etc.

Apparently there was someone else having a second viewing today. The agent told me if I could get the form back to them first thing in the morning, they could cancel all the other viewings and the house would be mine subject to references. The children and I spent the evening at home (without husband) chatting excitedly about it all. There seemed no doubt that the house would be ours and that we could move in in a few weeks. All I needed to do was to fill in the form and post it into the agent before work this morning, which I duly did.

This afternoon I had a call. The other viewing had taken place, so both my 'profile' and the other family's profile were put to the landlord to choose which tenant he wanted. Bear in mind I could pay a substantial amount of rent up front.

But hey, as a landlord who would you prefer? A married couple with 2 children or a single mum. It wasn't really a surprise, an easy decision for him I think. Who would want a single mother in their property with two children when a nuclear family is so much more 'reliable'?

I'm sure you can tell I am feeling very raw. I am sobbing as I write. Poor Small Sprog is heart broken too and Tall Girl is swimming and doesn't know yet. I don't want to tell her, she will be devastated too. That's how much we need to get out of here, there really does seem to be no end, even when I try to force the issue.

Everything happens for a reason they say. I really wish I could see the reason behind this one. . .

My kindhearted boy

Small Sprog has gone tobogganing with his cub group tonight. Husband has taken him because I am taking Tall Girl to something else. Small Sprog has been very excited about going.

"I'll take my camera mummy, so you can see what it was all like!" He said this morning when we were alone. He knows that all the photos of the children that his dad takes, on the digital camera, I am never allowed to see, not even the birthday ones.

Husband has a VERY expensive camera which was supposed to be a joint possession. Seems I have lost my half! He downloads all the photos onto his laptop and then immediately deletes them from his camera. I have lost a years worth of memories. But I still have my children, so I can't really complain I guess.

Anyway, I was touched at Small Sprogs thoughtfulness. He wanted to take his camera so he could show me his fab night out. Just how he was going to take a photo of himself tobogganing I don't know, but it was kind and thoughtful of him to think of me. Bless him.

So tonight as I was kissing him goodbye, he said to his dad "I thought I could take my camera. Then I could show. . ."

His thought process stopped for a split second ". . .Tall Girl what it was like"

"It's OK, I've got mine" Husband said. That was it. No question of arguing the point for Small Sprog.

I gave Small Sprog an extra squeeze. I knew he was protecting me and had thought about the situation. I wish, in a way, he didn't have to think like that at all, but I am very thankful for his thoughtfulness.

To Let

Funny how things move on. I went to look at a house last night to rent. All of a sudden it seems possible (unless you look at the finances that is)

I have found myself looking about me recently thinking about what I must remember to take, wondering what I shall be allowed to take. The property that I looked at was unfurnished, I will need to take stuff, we have enough here, but I wonder if he'll let me, physically I mean. It's not going to be pretty is it, the day when I take furniture out of this house?

The house was almost perfect for us really, as rented houses go, but as it is the first I've looked at it felt wrong to commit. Also I have to steel myself until 22nd February, when we have our next mediation session though, as you know, I don't have much hope of that working.

So, I am preparing myself, mentally I guess, for a move of some sort. Over the last year I feel I have lost the ability to organise, the stuffing has been knocked out of me a little, I am not the competent woman I used to be, not inside. The thought of organising services, bills, mortgage or rent repayments single handed seems very scary from here. I used to do it. I used to own my own house and live there by myself, it seemed easy, once. I feel I have 'lost the knack'.

Tomorrow I am off to see another property to let. At least I will have more than one to compare then.

PS. Just realised this is my 450th post!

Happy Weekend to you, whatever you're doing.

Small Sprog the diplomat

'Would you like to sit in the back seat Tall Girl?' Says Small Sprog grinning. How could she refuse?!

I have an ongoing battle with both of them about who sits in the front seat of the car. They can battle about whose turn it is when we are only going on a 5 minute journey, let alone a 'proper' journey! It's endless.

I have asked them to take turns, be sensible and share. I have threatened that if they can't sort it out themselves then they'll both go in the back of the car, always. I have suggested that they could try being kind to each other, along the lines of; 'Would you like to go in the front today, My Lovely Sister'! None of these really works, surprise, surprise!

Until yesterday evening on the way back from Small Sprogs Extra Maths. They both ran to the car, racing and jostling for position, Small Sprog slightly ahead, reached the door, opened it wide and said 'Would you lie to sit in the BACK seat Tall Girl?' I did laugh, rather than offer the front seat, he limited her choices to the worst option! She just had to take it! I wonder how long he'd been thinking about that one?!

He's off school poorly today, I'm not really sure he is really poorly at all, while I sit here with him and worry about the fact that I am having another day off work due to child sickness. . .

Is there no end?

Today I saw my solicitor in order to go through the finances and get it straight in my head before thrashing it all out with husband in mediation in a few weeks time. No problem I thought. That light twinkling at the end of the very long tunnel was certainly shining more brightly last time I looked.

The solicitor and I went over the figures, what I need, what he was offering, the difference between the two. I took a deep breath, 'I'm not sure that this will get sorted out during mediation' I said to her. She nodded her agreement. Court would the be the solution in the event of that being the case. 'So how long would it take then?' I said 'If we have to go to court to settle the finances?'

'You should be sorted by this time next year' she stated

'This time next year?' My heart sank.

At home tonight Tall Girl was unhappy. She wants it all over. Home isn't really home any more. 'It's not like it used to be'

'Will you be happier after we are all separate?' I asked her, steeling myself

'Yes' She replied without hesitating.

The solicitor tells me not to move out. Financially unsound move, she says. But for all our mental healths sake? What price can you put on that? Tall Girl has managed well so far, but right now she is feeling the stress. Small Sprog has been not right for a while now. Decision made. We cannot stay.

My day off this week will be used to seek out suitable rented accommodation, find out what I need to know (It's years since I have rented anywhere), everything is so expensive, all of it more than I earn a month, and there's not much about either. However there will be somewhere for us. There must be. As Tall Girl says, 'we just haven't found it yet'.....