Almost daily diary!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Pecking order

Small Sprog often assumes he is bottom of the family pile. We all would probably agree, most of the time. He is the smallest and the youngest however, underneath the thin veil of family life, things are not quite as they seem.

While out walking, Small Sprog was hungry (again!) so we looked for somewhere to stop along the way. Husband spotted a bit of a rock that looked big enough for us all, at a squeeze and the ground was damp so we settled for that. Husband sat down on it. Small Sprog plonked himself next to daddy. Tall girl and I looked at each other. Where were we going to sit?

"Come on then" said Husband impatiently "There's still room for you"

Tall Girl sat next to Small Sprog. The rock was full.

"There's room at the back" says Husband. And there was, just a little, so I sat down behind Small Sprog. It was quite pleasant and peaceful being there. No one talked to me because I was the wrong way round but the view was lovely; a path we had not yet walked along and a myriad of green leaves swaying gently in the breeze. I felt Small Sprog lean his back on to mine. He was warm and it was comfortable, feeling his weight against me. We ate our cake. I was supporting my son, I do it every day, one way or another.

Soon the children were up and running about. Husband asked if I wanted to sit around his side.
"No" I said, I was happy with my view, and in reality I just couldn't be bothered to move. But as I was there in my own little world, I realised how this was my place in the family. The one who gets the seat at the back! The one who clears up the mess and the one who is last to sit down! I began to contemplate my lot, which is never a wise thing to do I find. Mostly I spend my time rushing from one event (crisis!) to another, keeping busy, no time to stop, assess or think about anything deeply. Is the rushing a cover? Do I keep busy in order to avoid the realities?

From my children I get unconditional love, I need or want nothing else from them. They are the best thing about my life and I know I'm lucky to have them both. But then I started to reflect on the less positive things in my life, the previous week being an example.

Husband doesn't do birthdays. He bought me a cookery book this year which I already had! He had talked about getting something else but didn't get around to it. "We can get it another time" He said, and that was it. I think it's up to me to get it now but I've lost the enthusiasm. He forgot our anniversary, as you know, but it would have meant so much to just have had a token something, even after he'd remembered. Am I asking too much? Am I just a little spoilt child that doesn't like being forgotten? Probably. We live our lives along the same path but sometimes it feels like we are just going through the motions. To busy to stop, to tired to play. I cook for him, clean for him, make his bed. Tears welled in my eyes. There has to be more? And I started to think how nice it would be to be cared about or even cared for, just sometimes, not taken for granted, the one who gives support and comfort, the provider of food, the one at the bottom of the pile.

It took me by surprise.

I felt very lonely there in the woods.

I know I have so much to be thankful for. We are all fit and well and I am so very thankful for that and, considering the present climate, we have no money worries to speak of. So I'm sorry to whine in my childish voice but sometimes it helps to have a good moan. I think I might even feel a little better already!


Susan said...

Suburbia~Sounds like you do need a good moan and even a cry. I think most men have trouble realizing what all we do~we are mom to many , wife to one, employee to many responsibilities, the cook, the driver, the scheduler and so much more. We have to stay on top of all things that pertain to our family and we already put ourself on the backburner therefore, we don't want everyone to put us there. We want others to realize all the hats we wear and acknowledge what we do. I believe it is human nature for us to want others to treat us special on occassions that are special to us. Take time for you and don'tfeel bad for it. And remember blogging is where you can complain and vent. Hope you have a good Week!

Kitty said...

You're not the only one to feel like that - I think lots of mothers do. I know I do sometimes. I walk around feeling like the unpaid help some days and it doesn't do a great deal for your self-esteem does it? But everything you are giving those children, they will appreciate one day.

As for the husband - hmmmm, the jury's out ;-)


Akelamalu said...

I think you should print off this post and had it to your hubby to read.

blogthatmama said...

I think you need a girl's long weekend away somewhere gorgeous, including a Friday or a Monday or both, then they'll know what's what and who does the donkey work.

Suburbia said...

Thanks for listening Susan, I'll try to retern to normal soon!

Kitty, thanks. I wasn't having a moan about the children, They need to be looked after!

Akelamalu, Thanks for your support.

Blogthatmama, great I dea, when shall we go?!

Mean Mom said...

Oh, let me just climb on my soapbox! I live with 4 adult males, or I suppose you could say 3 1/2, with student son being away, sometimes. He's very quick to take me for granted, again, as soon as he returns, however! I know my place. It's outside, lying down, by the front door, for everyone to wipe their feet on! It's good to be needed for something, though!

Suburbia said...

You have cheered me up Mean Mom, thanks :)

BS5 Blogger said...

Hey there delightful, what a post that was; gosh!

I will reply from a single man's perspective; I think you carry an elegant and confident (and attractive) responsibility in being a wife, mother, matriarch, architect of your children's life and holder of the family well-being! A good moan is probably about right but this was a rare one from you and interestingly insightful. I do not know how to respond to much of it but it was most profound.

What a nice part when SS leaned against you, he was on a rock but it is you who are his rock 24/7! Lucky little chap!

I think you are very much cared about, and for by those you know and those here in the Blog-sphere too!

Don't feel lonely - it's not good!

Happy days to you

Bravo-Sierra-Fiver.......... x

starnitesky said...

I really feel for you Suburbia, it is not very pleasant to be taken for granted, it's not easy being a mother with all the hard work and daily activities, maybe you need to schedule some 'ME' time into your life and treat yourself to do what you enjoy doing. Keep blogging and don't forget a good moan now and again is good for you, its best not to bottle things up.

david mcmahon said...

God bless you and the clan. Honestly, can I say from the bottom of my heart that it does not matter where we sit. It matters where we are held in the hearts of those who love us.

You are blessed. Truly.

Rose said...

Suburbia, I can so relate to everything you wrote tonight! My mother was the quintessential stay-at-home Mom, deferring to everyone else's needs and wishes and I vowed I would never be like her. Yet, except for having a career, I did wind up like her. When I became a mother I finally understood and appreciated all the sacrifices she had made for us. I'm still waiting for the appreciation from my kids (and they're much older than yours!). Seriously, they don't always vocalize it, but I know they do appreciate me. Yours do, too.

But, I understand--somewhere in between driving them to yet another activity or postponing any plans I might have to help them with something, I used to wonder, "When do I get to do what I want?"

Blogthatmama's right--a long girls' weekend away would do you wonders!

As for Husband, well no comment, or I'll just start complaining about mine. I never got a birthday present or card either (or a Christmas present either!). I think he got offended when the kids used to make fun of the presents he did buy me.

Oh my, I think I've written a post! So sorry. Needless to say, I can commiserate with you.

Maggie May said...

Suburbia, I often get like this & sometimes have a little weep. I believe in the Venus & Mars theory! Wish I could say, "it will get better!" Well it might!

VP said...

I think David's giving you an extra big hug by putting you on Post of the Day :)

Venting's good, it keeps us healthy. I'd go for the Girl's weekend though, just to give them a nudge in the roght direction.

Brett said...

I would be dead meat if i acted like your hubby, and anyway i want to celebrate the day my wife came into the world, i cannot think of anything more worth celebrating.

indicaspecies said...

I'm here from David's.

There was room at the back, and it was "quite pleasant and peaceful being there." That made me smile.

Thank you for a profound post.:)

Sandi McBride said...

My complaint was always that I never knew what hot food tasted the kids are grown and gone, I'd give nearly anything to eat my dinner cold again...
David sent me
Congrats on the achievement...

Liz said...

Yes, doormats always come in useful.

Anyway Husband grew you the sweet peas! Mine grows me courgettes ...

No, I do know what you mean. I really didn't mind about the card although there was a bit of me that thought, 'maybe as he's away he'll send me flowers!' huh, fat chance!

And then I booked the evening meal. And he said I hadn't wanted to go out but it would have been nice if he'd just gone ahead and surprised me by booking somewhere. But I knew he wouldn't.

I think we're just both blessed with unromantic husbands.

Children you can't expect anything else from!! Even when they grow up ...

That girls' weekend away sounds a definite possibility!

Mae said...

Our children is one of our greatest asset. I done a meme on greatest love, get a chance check it out and let what you thought.

Suburbia said...

Thanks BS5, you're sweet, and I like being delightful!!

What can I say? So many supportive comments, thanks so much to you all for listening and commenting. I love the love in bloggyland!

Who's coming to the girlie weekend then?! Can't wait ;)

CrazyCath said...

Great post. As others have said - very profound and there's nothing wrong with a moan now and then!
Girlie weekend it is I think. That includes Fri and Mon when school's in and no cooking meals and leaving them for them or doing the washing before you go!

Beth said...

I know exactly how you feel. I actually talked to my husband about it a bit ago and things have been so much better. Would hubby listen if you told him how you feel?

Böbø said...

Oh dear … MUST sit on hands. Have NO contract. MUST resist temptation.

OK. I think I can very comfortably say: Am I asking too much? - No.

Am I just a little spoilt child that doesn't like being forgotten? - No if you keep in the "spoilt" bit. Yes if you take it out. You're Child wants to be important, and that's a very fine and proper thing.

To busy to stop, to tired to play. Well, STOP! Stop now. Go and play. It's important. Really important.

Finally: ask for what you want. Don't expect people to read your mind. If you want flowers, say something like, "I want some flowers" (you can work up to the, surprise me with some flowers as an advanced lesson).

I could say more, but I'd have to charge £50 an hour. But instead I suggest you go spoil yourself at the hairdressers, or some other putting you first treat ♥

Suburbia said...

Hi Bobo, I'll blog you fiffty quid, don't worry!
Thanks for that and I hear what you're saying, but how to start the conversation? :(

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Bobo is right - my father sat me down when I was fed up with a fellow once, and he told me:

"...guys have no idea what you are thinking, ever. You have to explain it clearly and simply, tell them what you want, what you expect, and don't assume they can read your mind. If you suppose that they can, and then get all upset because they haven't done what you expected, then you are being completely unfair to you and him both; be honest, be upfront. And for goodness sake, tell him!"

And you know what? He was right.

Saved me a lot of annoyance.

But I still think you should go spoil yourself, and I think that he should spoil you too, when you are not expecting it, but particularly when you are. Birthdays and anniversaries are a standard.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore