Almost daily diary!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Things have felt good for too long now...

I can't bear that he's home again ( Husband has been away for 4 days) and I have to be in the same room with him and even speak. I can't bear his smugness. I can't bear that I have single handedly looked after this house for 9 years and now he thinks he can have it all for himself. I want to shout at him and hurt him, yet I have to be calm and say nothing. It has all of a sudden become a living nightmare from which I feel I cannot escape from unscathed.

I have discovered why Husband won't put the house on the market. He thinks he can afford to buy me out, but not even give me half of what it is worth. He also wants to have custody of Tall Girl every other week but not Small Sprog. How can he THINK of splitting them up like that? He wants 50% custody of Tall Girl and 33% Small Sprog. How can he care for them in the week? How can he be there at the end of the school day and be there to take them to school in the morning? Will he rely on childminders? He will have to. I am angry, and very very sad. HOW CAN HE? I can't contemplate loosing my children, but I suppose he feels the same. I have sacrificed a career to be there for them before and after the school day, and all for what? For him to let them be 'latch key' kids. I will fight, but I am terrified. I am crying


menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

What a complete b*stard that man is. Is there no way you can get family liaison involved as part of the divorce procedings? Most solicitors must offer it before you start to go ahead with the divorce. He might be shamed into behaving himself. A rocky road ahead then. Fight it and remember, the kids have a say in what they want so he may not have it all his own way.

Saz said...

I am crying too love...this may be knee jerk reACTION. tO HURT YOU HE WILL KNOW THIS IS THE WAY TO DO SO...(fuck these bloody capitals..sorry!)

its retaliation, its his pride, his guilt at failing, his inability to stream his emotions properly, surely to god he won't pursue this...cos it would be hard thing for him to prove to a judge that its in the kids interest to split them up. THis would send a awful message to the youngest!

I feel terrible for you. I'll bet your tummy is churning over and over..wish l could give you a hug.

day at a time pet, breathe in breathe out...take bite size chunks of the day and do what you can....he must be going crazee in his own way...

can you find a mediator, for the finances, would your solictor be able to suggest someone, you cant do this alone, the two of you.

lots of hugs and kisses!

Dori said...

Oh, Suburbia. It seems like every other day your heart gets broken in some new way--and mine breaks for you! I have no idea how long these things take, but for your sake--and the sake of your children--it goes fast! And resolved for the best of you and the children. ((squeeze!))

Akelamalu said...

What an absolute tosser to want to split the children up like that!

You go to court m'dear, let them see what sort of a father he is - he'll get nothing!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm sending Reiki to your situation I hope it helps. x

Anonymous said...

Fasten your seat belt,honeybear, you are in for a tough ride and you can get through it. Sounds like he is pretty bitter and behaving in an antagonising and bullying way. Don't rise to it, you have rights and the best interest of the children are always paramount in any consideration.

If you can stomach it, mediation can work wonders. Damage to kids is minimised when post-separation disputes are resolved through family mediation.

He is being unreasonable, and he knows just which buttons to press. I know it's hard, but stay calm, don't protest, don't argue back, don't get too angry. Just state what you and the kids really need and keep on stating that. No argument is needed or is necessary. Actions speak louder than words.

Suburbia said...

MOB, thanks for your words, I am worried that the children will be put in a position where they have to decide and 'choose' between us, who to live with and what to do. They both have such a sense of fairness that I am worried they will accept 50/50 as they will see it as giveing both parents equal share of their time :(

You are lovely Saz, thanks for all your support today x

Thank you dear Dori.

Akelamalu, Will that work? I hope so :) Thank you.

Thanks Hulla, my solicitor said to keep calm and quiet, but it's SO hard. I just want to scream.

Maggie May said...

Oh Sub...... he knows just how to hurt you. How can he treat the children differently? Small Sprog is his child too! What is going on?
I feel so angry for you.
You will have to go to court. Surely no judge would want brother & sister to be split?
Don't sign anything. Get advice before doing anything. Stick it out. I think he is playing a game with you to see if he can make you crack.
Be strong...... DON'T LET HIM WIN!
((hugs)) x

Nuts in May

Elizabeth said...

So sad for you.
you really need to get out of there fast.
Yes you must FORCE him to accept some sort of mediation........
do not fight with him alone.
He is much more damaged than you are
and you know it.

Hugs from afar.
So difficult.

Steve said...

Your husband needs a reality check. Does he have any perception of what his wishes will result in for you, your kids and even himself? He cannot have thought things through. This is thoughtlessness in the extreme. And I'm being charitable.

cheshire wife said...

I wish that I could sort it all out for you and make things better.

nick said...

Husband is a total arsehole. Having not been in that situation, hard to know what to suggest, but I guess trying to get some mediation, trying to stay calm and staying firm about your wishes are the key things. Just don't give in to his crazy demands, don't sign anything without advice, and push the solicitor to get you out of the nightmare ASAP.

I feel your pain and distress coming across loud and clear. It upsets me too. I hope to God there's some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Lakeland Jo said...

I am with Maggie May on this one. Don't do anything without advice. take advice, take advice, take advice and get as much info as you can. Experience and my own work tells me this is so important. And staying calm.

Expat mum said...

SOunds like you need to see a professional as soon as possible before he does make the kids choose. There's no way on earth that custody arrangement is going to be sanctioned by a court. First they won't split the kids up, and second, they usually let them stay with the mother which might not always be fair but for a teenage girl, it's the way they do it.
Don't worry. You won't lose them.

Maria said...

You're doing well! Be brave!

family affairs said...

Good grief, this all sounds so scarily familiar....and I remember another blogger who was a little ahead of me just trying to keep me calm and tell me that it would all get better and maybe I can be that person now....

If he thinks he can buy you out then the chances are that you might be able to stay in the house with your kids. We couldn't do that in ours it was too big and we had to sell - I did get nearly all the capital to buy a house though as he was the one who had the income - that is what my lawyer fought for.

Have you seen a lawyer?

If he works full time you are more likely to get custody of the children and they won't look kindly at wanting to split them up. Would your daughter want that anyway?

Keep calm. Speak to a professional. Know your rights. At this stage it is all you can do to remember to breathe. There is no perspective and you can't see your way out. Just remember if you hate having him in the house think about how much calmer you will feel when you have your own space....even if it's a cardboard box to house you and your chidlren.

It is the worst time. You have both got your backs against the wall and it's such a shame it's almost impossible to see each other's point of view.

Any questions. Let me know. This is the whole point of blog mates xx

Jean said...

He's just doing what a lot of men do. Trying to break your spirit by demanding something unreasonable so that you end up with a compromise that is more in his favour than if he had been Mr Nice Guy.

Many men spend their whole lives negotiating stuff like this, at school, at work, etc. They think it's clever. It's certainly effective.

When it comes to the crunch, he'll only get away with what the law sees as reasonable. Time to get professional advice, perhaps, if only for the reassurance that he is in the wrong.

Carol said...

I can't put it any better than everyone else has. He's being unreasonable, very unreasonable....hang in there hon and tell your lawyer that it's time to get things moving!! This is not good for you or the kids

Sending lots of love and hugs your way

C x

Furtheron said...

I can't really comment given I have no direct experience myself.

The bit that confuses me is the different custody requests for the two children. That is odd - I couldn't do that as a father. (Mute point frankly as one of ours is now and adult and entirely entitled to make up his own mind... oh and my daughter told me if we ever split up she's not living with me as I can only cook curry and Chinese!)

French Fancy... said...

OMG suburbia - he sounds a complete tosser. I'm lost for words really and cannot begin to imagine how you must feel even being in the same room as him.I don't know anything about divorce, house settlements or childrens' rights but there must be a solicitor out there who can see you alright, surely?


Jennysmith said...

My poor sweetie. He's being silly about things isn't he. This will all be over soon xxxx

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

he is a fecking git!

I am sooooooooooooooo angry for you, and I pride myself on not swearing in public, but he, fuck wit, needs a beating.

A real beating.

tell me where I can find him, he will be beaten black and blue if I get hold of him.

Letty xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Manchester Lass, Now and Then said...

What a ratbag! {{{hugs}}} Suburbia and heaps of great advice above. Take care ♥ Linda xoxo

Letty said...

sorry I went a bit too far last night with my comments, I was just so so so so angry that he is making you so unhappy.

I was worried when I woke up this morning you would think badly of me for my rather forthright comments.

I tried to email you, but for some reason I am not able to find your email address.

I will be away for a few days after tomorrow, just wanted to apologise for being a bit too upfront with my thoughts.

Funny, isn't it, how I don't actually know you in person, but I feel so much for the pain you and your two children are going through.

We leave for a long weekend tomorrow, but will be back on the blogs by Tuesday.

Feel better now for apologising.

Letty xxxxxxx

Suburbia said...

Letty, no need for apology :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, so sorry for you. It's just so sad when an adult behaves like that, and you know that his actions will affect your darling children. All that time and love you have invested, and someone like him tries to pick it up and break it all.
One day at a time. Love your darlings. Be wise. Look how well you have done so far. xxxx Hugs. Lots and lots of them. xxxx

Chic Mama said...

I'm so sorry. Your daughter is old enough to have a say in the matter. What the hell is he doing by wanting D but not son? I can't believe anyone would agree to that anyway, he can't possibly be thinking of their welfare. Sorry I'm ranting for you.
What are you going to do? :0(

Working Mum said...

To split the children up like that is unspeakable! I agree with Maggie and do please listen to Family Affairs, she has been through this (and I have read her blog through a lot of it). She also points out what I thought too; if he thinks he can buy out your half of the house, that means you can too, because half of the house is yours and half of the other assets (that's the thing about marriage, what's mine is yours, etc) so you could too. Is it what you want? Again, keep talking to your solicitor, tell them how you feel and what you want and they will know if it is possible and how to fight fairly for you. Your husband is being unfair, so that makes me feel that he won't get what he wants because courts go for what is fair, they don't side with bullies.

DD's Diary said...

If it's any comfort, I really don't think any judge would allow this plan. It's crazy. I should imagine a lot of it is just to wind you up. Stay strong xx

Letty - A Little Girl With A Curl said...

phew! so glad all ok! It is taking me time to catch up after having been away, I have a blog and half to write about, but no time to write it.

Our visit to Zummerset was of mixed proportions.

Sad to see elderly ones we have loved deteriorating, good to see friends who live near you on Remembrance Sunday, and wonderful to see Bridgwater Carnival in all its glory.

But glad to be home as well.

I need to blog about all this when I get a moment!

Letty xxxxx