Almost daily diary!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Just fine

'It's muscular' the Dr reassured me after looking at my neck. Typically, at that moment, it was not as painful as it had been over the last month, so emphasising where it hurt and how it keeps me awake at night was hard and probably unconvincing.

No solution, was his diagnosis, stress related. 'Are you stressed?' He asked. I nod. He looks at me enquiringly.Over the last month I have repeated the list to myself so many times it comes out in a matter of fact way, the words tumble tonelessly from my mouth: 'My lease runs out next month and I can't afford the rent if I renew it. Another 6 months rent would be a years worth of mortgage. My nearly ex husband has the money he owes me, which would enable me to buy a house I can afford but the solicitor won't let him give it to me. Meanwhile I may loose the new house. The judge insists we go to court but I can't afford to pay the fees. My temporary job ends in 7 weeks, I hate it but need the work. I hate it so much I feel like I have lost all the fun of living.'

I look at him, tears rolling down my cheeks involuntarily. My eyes leak often and readily these days. However the list is just a list. Nothing anyone can do and repeated in my head so often it appears before me like words read from a text book.

He says nothing. They don't make pills and potions for those sorts of problems. And anyway, I bet half his clientèle have the same problems or worse, most likely much worse.

I want to scream at him, beg him, 'Sign me of work please, because I don't think I can take any more' But I know I need to keep on working, being off sick will only make my working life more intolerable on my return. And then there's my 'time off and sick record' to worry about.

No solution then. I leave the consultation room and head for the toilet to dry my eyes and compose myself, Small Sprog is in the waiting room, sitting patiently. I don't want him to see me upset. In a moment I will meet him with a smile and a 'Shall we go now?' and up he will jump and follow me out of the surgery. 

And so life goes on. We go through the motions, the everyday routine, practised and guarded, no one would ever know...

These days my life is so busy I don't seem to see anyone else I can talk to and it doesn't seem right to burden friends. But sometimes the burden squashes in on me. I pick up the phone tonight to call Mum but when she answers I know she is busy by her tone. 'Not to worry' I sooth 'Just phoning up to see how you are' She tells me briefly how she is, but needs to return to her visitor. She asks how I am. 'Oh I'm just fine' I say 'Just fine'


Maggie May said...

Oh...... that is really sad.
I wish I had solutions that I could offer you.

On a practical level..... are you sure the neck problem isn't about being on the wrong level when you are asleep? Have you tried one pillow instead of two?
I have never found doctors are good with backs and necks. I go to a chiropractor once every 3 months but that is expensive too.

I think you need to talk to someone. Maybe someone who isn't close to you.
Fingers crossed for you.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Miss Sadie said...

I learned a long time ago that "just fine" means the exact opposite.

I'd offer to help, but there isn't much I can do from here, and you probably don't need a dog in your life at this point.

You need some real money and a real job. I have neither to offer.

Blessings, nuzzles and licks, if any of those will help.

Steve said...

Pick one of your friends, lay claim to them for a night - explain that you need someone to talk to; any friend will be proud and honoured that you chose them - and then pour it all out. You need the release and the headspace that will follow. Then you may find that solutions will come.

Suburbia said...

Thank you

nick said...

Sorry to hear you're so miserable. Just why is the solicitor preventing the money being handed over to you? You obviously need the money right now.

I'm with Steve. You really need to pour it all out to a friend and get their advice and sympathy. You'll feel so much better. That's what friends are there for, to help with an emotional crisis.

Kitty said...

You need to talk to someone ... is it worth going back to the doctor and asking to see the practice counsellor? That's what they're there for - to listen to people who's worries are making them feel bad.

I'm on the end of an email if it helps? Hang on in there.


Rose said...

I'm with Kitty--you need someone to talk to, Suburbia. Keeping all these worries inside will only make your neck feel worse, if it is indeed stress-related. It's good to be able to let your feelings out here, but none of us, your blogging friends, can lend a real shoulder to cry on. I'm sure some of your friends would love to offer an ear and their support. That's what a good friend is--being there in the bad times as well as good.

Valerie said...

I know what the need to offload is like. Have you thought about ringing the Samaritans? You might think it's embarrassing but it really isn't. They're there to help. Do give it a try.

Rose said...

Just saw your comment on my last post, Suburbia. I'm hoping that it was a metaphor for you--may the days ahead be "warmer" and "greener" for you. Hugs, Rose

Sam said...

I see I haven't been the only one having a rough year. I agree with Steve - without my few, but very close, friends I would have gone crazy by now!

Furtheron said...

You do need someone to talk to - either professional or a solid reliable friend.

I'm very lucky - I found many friends since I stopped drinking. They listen to me rant, smile, nod, laugh, offer suggestions .... whatever it helps me meet the next day.

Good luck - however I am sure deep down that things will get better

Liz Hinds said...

How do you fancy a trip to a little pub just outside Cardiff?

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I hope that writing about it all helps - I would go crazy without my blog. Would you get a second opinion about your neck?

Casdok said...

My stress is also in my neck and i was once told to every now and again bite really hard on something (wine corks are good!) - it helps release the tension. Or maybe just drink the wine!!!

Oh what a difficult situation - my heart goes out to you. Somehow the universe has a way or working out.

Reasons said...

Oh I am so sorry. I think you do need some support and I know it is hard to ask friends but really I think sometimes we do need to reach out. You are used to being independent and coping but you still will be, it is just that sometimes talking helps us to figure things out for ourselves. Could you try appealing to your husband's better nature, maybe by setting emotions, pride etc aside and working out a way just to get what you need? Whatever you decide to do, I know you can do this Sub, you are a strong, capable woman, this comes through time and time again in your writing, this is a low patch, you will come through. Hugs xx

Eternal Worrier said...

You sound really fed up. I dont want to say something naff like'It will work itself out' because that easy to say. I wonder though, there are lots of people having the same problems. xx

sally in norfolk said...

praying that it all works out well for you... some times right at the last min and when you least expect it they do x x

Suburbia said...

Gosh, thanks everyone.

Liz, that sounds lovely, you are kind.

Kitty, thanks so much. I just feel like I'm constantly whining tho'!

Reasons, don't feel strong right now, but thanks for reminding me!

Good to see you back Sam

Valerie, I hadn't and thanks.

Casdoc, I will give it a try, but trying to avoid alcohol at the mo. Making me worse I think.

Rose, your garden always cheers me up :-)

Nick, court date next week. Fingers crossed.

this is my patch said...

How insensitive of your Dr. He really should have read the signs of how low you have become. How would you feel about going back and seeing another Dr, and just pouring out your heart. That's what I had to do when I was going through a rough patch back in the 90s. You really need to find some care and understanding from someone professional. x