When we go away on holiday husband has a 'thing' about locking all the windows and doors. Very sensible it is too and, I think, also stipulated in the home insurance. He used to do it the night before our departure, which was very annoying because it felt like you were living in cell block H for the evening! Even in midsummer it was impossible to open anything after about 8pm! He's better now!
Yesterday morning it was sunny here and we have a conservatory at the back of the house which warms up beautifully during the day. The conservatory can be reached through the kitchen as well as through the patio door from the sitting room. I have often dreamed of French doors, but alas this house was a child of the 60's, as am I, and it wasn't a very elegant period! (Though I exempt myself from that statement!!!)
I know this is long winded and I'll get there in the end, promise.
So, the sun is shining in the conservatory and I wander over to the patio doors to let the warmth drift through the house. They were still locked from our holliday.
Now I have had previous dealings with the said doors and it usually ends in battle. As I have said the patio doors lead into the conservatory (not the patio!) therefore they are 'internal' doors. The patio doors have four locks (it feels like opening a bank vault). The conservatory has an outside door which has 3 locks! The door from the conservatory to the kitchen also has three locks. Talk about escape from Suburbia, I can't even get out of the house! Lets face it, if a burglar has already battled his way through the back door from the garden and is faced with a glass door with four locks what would he do? I think a brick might spring to mind.
I brace myself for battle and unlock the easy one first, the little push button one in the middle. The key for that is distinctive, so easy to find in the bunch, and as I turn out it pops. Yes, so far so good. Now which one? I go around the other side, through the kitchen and find what I think is the right key for the 'outside' lock. I turn it. There is no satisfying clunk and I'm not sure that 'we' ever lock that one anyway. Back inside there are still two locks. I wonder if it might be worth making a cup of tea before attempting these two but decide against it because the sun might not last long (and it's rays are the sole purpose of this exercise).
The previous owner cleverly(!) colour coded the remaining two locks with a little stripe of white enamel paint on one and yellow on the other, both on the key and the corresponding lock. How helpful (though not very aesthetically pleasing), perhaps his wife complained as well.
The yellow key fitted into the yellow lock at the bottom of the door and turned decisively. Only one more to go. I dragged a chair over to the door and climbed up, brandishing the white key, muttering under my breath 'Ha, I'm gonna get you now' and..........sod it! The damn thing wouldn't turn. Why not? The others had complied. I tried again. Still nothing. Perhaps this one wasn't locked. I tried the door but it wouldn't budge. Perhaps it was the 'outside' lock. Maybe that one hadn't been locked and so perhaps I had actually locked it earlier. So off I trot to try and unlock it again. I twiddled and fiddled. Nothing. The catch to release it is on the sitting room side so off I go again, through the kitchen into the lounge to try to open the door. You guessed it. Nothing, not even a hairs breadth of a movement. A brick seemed a viable option at this point but I wasn't quite out of options yet....
I rang husband on the mobile. It went straight to answer phone. There were a lot of ******!!!!'s in my message. He rang back laughing.
'It's that b***** one at the top, I know it' I said, quite unamused.
'Well try again while I'm on the phone'.
(As if that's going to help!)
I climb back up and fit the key in the hole again. 'I'm not sure if it's working' I say.
'Well has the little lever popped out?'
'Good, well there you are then' smugly.
'Well I'm not sure' I say, and....... I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS BIT............I pushed the 'little lever' back in, just to make sure it had popped out in the first place! Well that was it. No matter how much I fiddled I couldn't get it to come back out. 'Don't worry' he said 'I'll sort it out when I get home'. This from a man that leaves notes saying ''I think the washing machine is broken''.
So there I am. A broken woman. I may be able to drain a washing machine full of water into a plastic carrier bag but I am thwarted by a locked door.
Later on I received a comment from Böbø regarding my 'light hearted' misandry. So, for the record, I just thought I should state that I do like men. Actually I really enjoy the company of men, even husband come to that! And Small Sprog. In fact my liking for men has got me into all sorts of trouble in the past! So please take it all with a pinch of salt. I can mend the washing machine, he's good with locks. It's equality that matters.........see?!
Glad to know that it's not just me that inanimate objects have a vendetta against.
The photocopiers hate me.
My problem with locks is getting half way down the street, then receiving a visit from Captain Paranoia insisting i didn't lock the door - so i have to go back and prove to myself that i did
Good to see my comment was as deftly timed as usual. I'm sure I said "Lighthearted Misandry", just in the absent way women talk about man flu (myth), superior multitasking, and not being easily distracted by externalised secondary sexual characteristics.
I'm thinking more Felicity Kendall with her eye brows raised, rather than the full on kitchen knifed bunny boiler.
PS: Anyone would have pushed the little lever in just to see if it had really popped out. How else could you of been sure?
Yes Bobo I have edited post to 'lighthearted M'! Though sometimes 'full in kitchen knife bunny boiler'seems quite apealing!
Love it, love it, love it, a painting with words i could see it all.
loved it, very funny. Men have their uses, it's just sometimes difficult to remember what they are! Thanks for stopping by.
Think I have to go check out the blog about not feeding pixies now!!
This post made me LOL because whilst I have no trouble getting the patio doors open I cannot for the life of me shut them! :(
That was seriously funny! let's hope you never have to get out fast in a fire!
Forgetting locks and bolts for a moment, you would be wise to 'close' all the doors in your house every night before going to bed. The difference in the rate of fire spread - from the kitchen or wherever, through the rooms and onto the staircase has got to be seen to be believed. There's a good girl. ;-)
Thanks for the laugh, sometimes things can be so annoying, at least you will know what to do next time!
Amen! Amen! I am so there with you and feel that I have been through just that same thing with my own hubby! He is a general repair and jack of all kinds of repair except at my house! He can't fix the simple things around here but thank goodness I can! Enjoyed your story
This is was a great read! I could fully imagine the entire scene! LOL
If I ever decide to go into bank robbery, I won't be calling you.
Lol! Team work!!
And thank you for your very kind words :)
Don't you just hate locks? And keys? I have so many. When I walk George I don't want to carry a bunch with me so I, ahem, leave them in a 'safe' place outside the kitchen door. Don't tell anyone, especially not Husband who is more like yours in the locking-up respect.
And it was perfectly reasonable to check that the little lever had popped out properly. In work we have dead locks - you know the sort that you turn to lock but that just using the handle to open teh door opens the dead-lock? How many times Have I checked that they're on by opening the door?! (That probably doens't make a lot of sense if you don't know what I mean!)
I just wrote a long comment and it's not here! Where's it gone?!
Oh, phooey, I can't remember what i said now.
Great story and perfectly reasonable to check the lever had popped properly. There was lots more i wrote but it must have been deleted by the computer for being boring.
Knickers! I see now. 'Comment saved and visible after blog-owner's approval.'
You see, I'd got distracted visiting people who'd visited you.
So - oh, just ignore me.
My husband does exactly the same thing - we live in a hermetically sealed environment even in summer! Well, almost but but by bit I am breaking him down because it drives me nuts! I need to sleep with an open window - especially now I am going through the menopause. Men!
My husband might have to challenge yours for the lock up king trophy. He's better since we moved here at the doors in the house but now has a whole range of outbuildings to patrol instead.
Brett, Pixie, Akelamalu Starnitesky, Susan , Sandpiper, MOB and Maggie, thanks for visits and comments!
Billy, Thanks for advice!
Mother of this Lot, I can't get out of here anyway.
Casdok goodbye for now.
Liz......what can I say?!!!!
Elizabeth, you may have the answer. He has always wanted 'out buildings'. We might get a greenhouse soon, do you think that will do the trick?!
I laughed all the way through! I can just see all your actions and even facial expressions as you describe this. I would have had a lot more #@!*#!'s by the end, though.
I like men, too, but it's frustrating to have to be dependent on them for menial things, especially when I am married to Mr. Procrastination.
Hi Rose I can't wait to hear more about Mr. Procrastination!
Just a supportive shout for 'Husband' of Suburbia and his sensible approach to locks. Come on chaps of the Blog-o-sphere, stand up and be counted!
Great, great post D.B!
Hey there Liz, your realisation that Suburbia has to approve posts first really made me laugh!
Gagh! I seem to have problems with conventional locks too. But for some reason, (back at my previous job) when a safe needed opening, I was the go-to person. Go figure.
I used to be pretty self-sufficient before David came along.
Now, I have conveniently forgotten all about computers, lawn care, home theatre systems and the like.
However, last year whilst I sat in rush hour traffice near Washington DC, I had to talk him through using the coffee maker. Shoot me.
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