A year with Suburbia (still awaiting escape!)

I've been blogging for a year. (I wonder how many hours of sitting here staring at the screen, that that amounts to?) Can you believe it? The year has passed so quickly and I think (know) it has been a catalyst for change in my life. Anyway, I've been so busy blogging recently that I missed my bloggyversary( 3rdMarch). Useless creature! And I was so looking forward to a party! So, seeing as my inspiration is low, and I've missed the date anyway, here is my first ever post . I'm sure you have far too much to do to read through it all, but suffice to say, this time last year, I had no idea what was in store! And here is a defining moment .

Something has changed, lots of things have changed, but I think the most important thing is the fact that I am no longer reliving the past, but am looking forward to the future, sometimes with trepidation, but looking forward nevertheless, whatever it brings.

Kitties always land on their feet.

I am fairly ashamed of myself for getting so low yesterday! During this strange journey, I have managed to keep fairly positive, but yesterday it all crumbled. I am worried that I was not a good mother yesterday, though Tall Girl and I had a little retail therapy and later both Small Sprog and Tall girl and I did some drawing and stuff together. But when I woke up on Saturday morning, it felt that the weekend would last forever (and I remember times when I would have given anything for that to be so), I couldn't drag myself out of that feeling and tears came too easily. It is a bit like wading through mud. Each step has to be thought about and planned, things to fill the time, things to make sure Husband and I can avoid each other.

Later in the morning he walked into the bathroom while I was just getting out of the shower. I hastily wrapped my towel around myself and scowled "What?" I was indignant, gone are the days when we all waltzed in and out of each others spaces unannounced. I wanted to say - what do you think you are doing? I am not yours any more, keep away - but it took me by surprise. Next time I will have the words ready, next time.

Thank you for all your kind words yesterday. They kept me going! Also special thanks to Dori, who pointed out that kitties always land on their feet. I shall keep that thought close.

Saturday

Navel gazing

It has been an odd week! For a start I have blogged about buses (!), but in truth there has been a fair amount of stuff going on, and it already feels like Friday.

This week Small Sprog lamented his age! He said he didn't want to grow up, he likes the age he is now. I remember, when I was younger, feeling that I never wanted to get any older. I wanted everything thing to always stay the same, so I understand how he feels, but I have the knowledge that big things will change in his life at some point soon, and I wonder to myself how he will cope.

On the other hand Tall Girl has just become a 'woman', if you get my drift! A whole new part of her life ahead of her and she seems to be taking it all in her stride. (Now I understand what all the tears were about at the beginning of the week!)

I was talking to a work colleague today, who is going through a rough patch with her children. We came to a conclusion that when you are little, younger, you believe that eventually life will be perfect. As time goes on, you realise that the perfect bits are interspersed with difficult bits, but that this is just how things are.

Life has dealt me quite a complicated hand right now, and it is full of huge problems but also some very good things that I thought would never cross my path again. I am grateful. This is life, the rough and the smooth, I just seem to be experiencing them both together at the moment!

The School Bus

Tall Girl endures a 45 minute bus journey to school and back every day. It has become a happy part of her routine (after a bit of a rough start) and there have been some lovely friendships made along the way. However the bus, itself, is not entirely the best bus in the world!

Apparently it has no heating, the seats are damp, there is moss growing on the inside of the windows and there are never enough seats (it also has no ears to speak of!). I have tried to speak to her on her mobile, several times, while she has been on this journey. It is almost impossible to hear anything at all, the whole bus is always in constant up roar, and they seem to have regular food fights upstairs. For all this excitement and luxury the bus costs me £20 a week.

Today she reported that the bus stopped abruptly on the main road, almost ricocheting them through the front window. Tall Girl thought they had hit something. The driver (who is so huge, it is a miracle that he fits into the bus at all) loped out and lifted up the bonnet (can you call it a bonnet when it is on a bus? Is the engine in the back? She didn't say, and being of the female variety, that sort of information is not at my finger tips!) Anyway, apparently he fiddled around a bit and eventually they were on their way again. Much booing ensued I think!

When I picked her up from the bus stop today we followed the poor old crippled thing down the hill. It's a dirty old bus. It has a very unkempt appearance, it's blue and yellow livery strips, look retouched by hand, and the whole thing appears to list gently to the right. I wonder, briefly, how old it actually is, if buses need MOT's and whether, given the opportunity, it would take itself quietly off to a little bus scrap yard somewhere by the sea for a well earned retirement.

OMG, I have just blogged about buses! Well I guess it has been a very trying day.

I am eating chocolate!

It has been a beautiful sunny day today, spent in good company. The sky was blue, the sun was warm and my mum phoned me on my mobile phone! Can you believe it? Phoned me three times in fact, once because she could, another time because she pressed the wrong button and the last time to ask if I knew someone called Jane who she had just phoned by accident!! I told her I didn't, ( why does she think I should?!), but I would delete the number next time I see her. Heaven knows what may happen if she finds the 'delete' button for herself.

Tomorrow morning Husband and I have a counseling/mediation appointment (the imminent prospect bringing on the rapid disappearance of a small bar of chocolate just now!). It will be interesting to see how that goes. I am hoping that it will help him come to terms with the current situation and that it may bring about some progress. Perhaps.

Right now I am attempting to arrange more pleasant things to keep me going over the next week or so.

The family day out

I was rescued from a family day out on Saturday by Tall Girls girlfriends. They arranged a shopping trip together, a first for all of them. It turned out to be a very happy day for all.

However a family outing was not avoided altogether. Sunday dawned bright and blue, so we went out for a walk together. The walk has the added bonus of a cafe at the end, which also acts as a sweetener for the children! We haven't walked this way for a long time. It seemed strange to all be together at the weekend, it has been 4 weeks since we have been so. The day was beautiful, there was lots to be thankful for but I felt a little numb and apart from things. My head was full of things I couldn't discuss with the children, I felt an outsider in my own territory.

At the cafe the children were particularly difficult with each other. Small Sprog wanted things he couldn't have (I could identify with that one!) and sulked a bit. Husband nagged Tall Girl and she sulked too! Were they picking up on my mood, or was it just that sort of day? I longed to be somewhere else, I felt trapped and I found it hard to concentrate on the present.

By the time we arrived home again there was still quite a bit of afternoon left. How slowly the day had passed. The nit children were out on their bikes, so the children were delighted to join them. That, of course left just Husband and myself in the house together. We are strangers together, skirting about each other, marking time. I felt that I was wasting time actually, just waiting for it to pass until the weekend was over. How mad is that?

So, I pulled myself together and made cake! I remember that my mum always baked when she needed something to cheer herself up. It sort of works, well, at least it passed the time, and the house smells wonderful!

What did you do to pass the time this weekend?

My Lovely Mum

Mum came to visit today. I was so looking forward to seeing her. The dark cloud that resides over the house at the moment needed to be dispelled and she normally whooshes in with enough energy to swoosh it away, for a while anyway. It is hard at the moment. I know that she is a little shy of phoning me here, and she doesn't 'do' mobile phones! She is visiting less too, although, to be fair, that is mostly due to a small op on her foot a few weeks ago.

Anyway, she was just letting herself in as I returned home from work. She brought a home made banana cake, a magazine article and a birthday card for Tall Girl (only 4 months late!) which she had found in the bottom of an old carrier bag!! She busied about, chatting about this and that, but I knew there were a million things she wanted to say and ask but wasn't sure if she should.

I made some lunch and we settled down for a few hours together. We chatted, caught up, mulled over, cried a bit and did generally girly things! She also read some of my blog! Yes, really!! She wanted to know what a googlies were!!! She meant Google, bless her, and she couldn't understand the concept of a blog. However, after having a look for a while, she decided that it looked "Fun and much better than telly"! I don't think she'll ever start one herself (no puter for a start!) but at least she doesn't think it's 'odd' any more!

And to add to her technological confusion, she is now in possession of my old mobile phone, which is a million times more advanced than the one she has been using for years! However teaching her how to use it was quite a task! She left us around 5.30 this afternoon, waving frantically as she reversed (quickly) out of the drive, having promised to call when she got home, just to say she was safe. She called just under an hour later on my mobile!! Wow, a whole afternoon of technology and she was calling my mobile for the first time! I answered it and she said"Oh, I just pushed your name and it called you!" Well, yes mum, that's what it is supposed to do!!

Later on she called again, on the land line this time. She was confused! How do you turn it off??! I suspect that it will stay off most of the time now, but hey, we had a great day.

PS. Husband is away tonight, so the little cloud has not come back yet.

Assorted bits

Tall Girl tells me that when she visited the angelic Gabriel's house recently, she caught him sitting in the kitchen sink lighting matches! A friend who is a pyromaniac, that is all we need!! No wonder Small Sprog is keen, and as for Gabriel, well, he looks as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth! He was here last night, again, with the rest of the troupe. The weather is warmer so the garden was full of a strange assortment of children, I like it when that happens (as long as they stay outside!).

The weekend is fast approaching (how does that happen so quickly?) and the impending 'family day out' is playing heavy on my mind. I have asked Tall Girl what she would like to do. Go to Scotland was one idea! Just a little too far for a day trip I think. Small Sprogs comment, when I asked him what he wanted to do was "I dunno!"

The thing is, the idea of a family day out, in theory, is good, but the children have been away from home a fair bit of their spare time recently and often at the weekend they are happy to drift off to see their friends and generally chill out. It is Husband who wants the day out. I wonder where we will end up?!!

After what I thought was a massive breakthrough in communications last week, we seem to have gone back a few paces (as some of you commented that we would!). The stalemate is back with avengence and I am torn between forcing the issue and just leaving it all until someone gets tired of living like this. The trouble is I'm already tired of living like this!! I don't think it is doing the children a whole lot of good either. They are quieter and not so full of fun. There is a little dark cloud hanging over this house, you can feel it. I am not good at waiting.

Small Sprogs song

Small Sprog was humming in the back of the car on his way to cubs last night.
"Can I sing you a rude song?" He asked me.
"Yes" I giggled This is the bones of what he sang me :

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie
With his **** in a trolley
And his ***** in a biscuit tin,
Sitting in the grass
With his........

Do you know what? There is more, but I can't bear to repeat it!

I glanced around at him and he was beaming form ear to ear!
"You won't sing that to anyone else will you?" I asked him.
"No"
"Who taught it to you anyway?"
"Not telling you!"

He can be very loyal!

"Did you learn it in the playground?" I asked, as it was the first day back to school today.
"No"
"From the nit children?"

He was quiet for a while, I knew it was bound to be them.......

"No!"
"You won't sing it to Granny or Grandma will you?" I plead, I mean, can you imagine?!!

We drove in silence for a bit, though I suspect he was still humming quietly!

"Have you sung it to daddy?"
"No"
"No one else then?" He shook his head.

I was secretly pleased that he had chosen to share his 'Rude Song' with me! I can see the blokiness developing in him at an alarming rate. I looked over my shoulder and said "When you are older, you are going to have such a great time!" And he beamed back at me.

After a while he pipes up in the back.... "Eleanor taught it to me"

I shrieked with laughter! She is Tall Girls best friend, 12 years old and very demure.

"Are you sure?"I giggled
"Yes, she sang it when we were on the trampoline" He said proudly
"So Tall Girl knows it to?"
"No, she had already got off, you won't tell Domestic Goddess (her mother and my best friend) will you?"

I shook my head, smiling to myself.........You bet I'm gonna tell her. I can't wait to see her face!

Meme time! I am what I am........

I found this meme at FFF...

I Am: Too many things.

I Want: To be me.

I Have: Two beautiful children.

I Wish: I knew if everything will be OK in the end.

I Fear: Losing the people I'm close to.

I Hear: but sometimes I don't understand.

I Search: For happiness.

I Wonder: If I will ever find it completely.

I Regret: Growing older.

I Love: With all my heart.

I Always: Try to understand.

I Usually: Try to be honest.

I Am Not: Good at waiting.

I Dance: In my Kitchen.

I Sing: In the car.

I Never: Refuse good food!

I Rarely: Let people down.

I Cry: When things touch my feelings.

I Am Not Always: Good at remembering.

I Need: Things I can't have.

I Should: Be thankful.



Anyone who wants to have a go, be my guest!

Looking forwards and back again.

The children will be home tonight. Not too late? I asked Husband, though I could feel him bristle, all the way up to the satellite connection and back again, as I said it. Well, I mean, it is 'back to school' tomorrow, and I know they'll be tired. He says they will be back at 5pm. That is much later than I thought they would be, but seeing as I am not in control, there's not much I can do about it. They have had beautiful weather to be by the sea and I know they have spent a lot of time on the beach. I hope that they have not missed me. Is that the right thing to hope?

It is back to normality for me too later. I have been living a different life while they have been away. It has been fine and easy and full of wonderful moments that have made me happy. I have thought about the children and texted and spoken to them too, but I have not missed them very much. I know that I would have missed them terribly if I had been at home alone, without them, but as I have been away too, it has been peculiarly easy.

As I am writing this, I am wondering what the next week will bring. Husband wants to talk seriously about next steps, which is necessary, but it will be hard emotionally. He also wants to spend next weekend together as a family. All four of us, doing something together (I did manage to get him to almost agree to just one day on the weekend, I hope that still stands). We have not had a family day out for months, and he thinks it will be good for the children. I'm not sure if it will send them mixed messages? I am dreading it in a way. I know some of it will be fun, I love doing stuff with Tall Girl and Small Sprog, but I have no desire to rekindle past memories with Husband or to feel regretful. So it is with trepidation that I am looking forwards to the coming week, and I am, as all to often at the moment, looking behind at what has gone before with fondness, and trying not to be sad that it has passed, but thankful that it has occurred at all.

PS, Fi has passed on this lovely award. Thank you so much Fi.

I would like to pass it on to The Eternal Worrier, Jenn, and Kitty.

Small Sprog has issues!

The children have gone, but I thought I'd leave you with this one......

Small Sprog has made a new friend, who lives, some of the time, just down the road. They are both the same age and height, but Small Sprog has dark curls and the friend has long fair hair. The friends name is Gabriel, quite a name to live up to I always think, and not a name Small Sprog has come across before.

He came home after playing with Gabriel the other night; "She's coming to call for me later" he said.
"He's coming, you mean?" I replied
Small Sprog looked at me in a strange way.
"She's coming" he repeated
"It's a boy!" I laughed.
Small Sprog was puzzled. The friends hair was very long and he was quite 'pretty' for a boy I suppose.
"I thought she was a 'tom boy'!" Says Small Sprog, looking a little embarrassed.

Most of Small Sprogs friends are girls, so it was an easy mistake I guess. Well it could happen to anyone couldn't it?!

Progress

Yesterday evening I went to the supermarket to get all the food for the childrens holiday. It was an 'automatic pilot' job really, there is a routine to those sorts of trips! It was almost 9 pm by the time I arrived home, but much better going in the evening than to drag reluctant children around the shops during half term.

I have no idea what happened when I arrived home, only that, within minutes there were harsh words spoken with much feeling. Luckily the children were in bed and asleep. It wasn't a pleasant half an hour (if that) but it has had positive repercussions this morning.

Husband has come to his senses and decided that we can't go on living here, like this. The penny has finally dropped, and I guess it hasn't really taken all that long. So this morning he is talking divorce and settlements. I hope it is not just another phase, but he seemed coherent. It is the first positive step along the way and it will take time, and a relief that he understands there is no going back now.

It feels strange to be taking that first real step into the unknown.

PS I found this great dating site. Check it out for the perfect date!www.senselessjewels.blogspot.com.

Strange days indeed

Husband dropped a bombshell last week. He is taking the children away for the end of half term by himself. He is going to his sisters holiday cottage in Cornwall. I am not invited.

I struggled with this for quite a few days. My children, going on holiday without me. A thing that has never happened before. But if I insist on the course of action that I have chosen, it is bound to happen isn't it? I am asking and wanting to live a life without Husband. I would never stop him seeing his children, so, holidays alone are inevitable eventually aren't they?

Therefore I am resigned. I have thought it over and I am fine with it now, just about.

However he is asking me to plan and pack for them, not just clothes but all the stuff you need for a self-catering break away. Toys, games, food........

This is a strange thing for me to do, I am having to pack for possibilities that won't include me. But I have had to sort it out in my head, and I have, I think having already made a start. He says he has no concept of how this is difficult for me. How strange. Though I did wonder if it was done more to hurt me than anything else, but perhaps I should not presume.

Yesterday he said that he hadn't asked me to go with them because his sister had said that she didn't want me in her holiday home. I thought that was odd (hurtful too). Apparently SIL and her husband are very upset that I want to leave my marriage. You would have thought, though, that they would have wanted me to holiday with Husband and the children wouldn't you, perhaps seeing it as an opportunity to rekindle an ailing relationship? You'd think for the childrens sake, they would put their feelings about me to one side? Or that Husband would not obediently do their bidding?

Don't get me wrong. I have wrestled with the thought of being without the children over the last week and would love to be with them but on the other hand I am very glad I have not had to go. I don't want to spend the time with Husband, it would be too close for comfort. It is also an opportunity for things to play out the way they will in the future. It will be difficult but necessary.



Strange days indeed.

Take the rough with the smooth.

Yesterday, the children and I spent the day in my home town, with my mum. It was one of the nicest days we have all spent together for ages. We arrived early, just in time to walk the dog, and left late.

Walking the dog is always a treat! We all mill about, walk together and then apart, chat and relax together. Mum is slower now and I have to adjust my pace, the children walk faster than they used to too and it is all a bit stop start, with Tall Girl chasing after the dog, to stop it eating the remains of yet another discarded takeaway!

After a while Tall Girl and mum decided to walk slowly back, while I took Small Sprog to play with his basket ball. He was on good form and we spent ages playing together. The weather was springlike and all felt right with the world.

Indeed, a very small miracle happened later on at mums house.

My stepfather, who has never been good with children (and I include myself as a child in that statement!), played with Small Sprog for the first time! It has taken 9 years but I am not complaining. They built a model robot together. It was not planned. Small Sprog wanted to take the kit to mums house, and I was going to use my limited girl skills to help him build it. Perhaps he knew I wasn't up to it!! However he managed to get his 'Pop' to help him and it was lovely to see. I am amazed and grateful and happy. It was a good day..........

....Which has brought today into sharp contrast.

Husband is struggling with how things are between us. He wants to mend it. I know that, for me, it is broken beyond repair. Most weeks in January he 'needed' to discuss something to do with the situation, but he has calmed down, so there has not been too much emotion flying around recently. Therefore this morning took me completely by surprise. We had almost 3 hours of discussion, which mostly went around in circles because of the impasse that we have found ourselves in. Each time this happens I see little bits more of what I want to live without. Having said that, it is hard to stay strong, almost as hard as seeing that someone is hurting, and that I seem to be the cause, which in turn means that I can't be the one to provide comfort. None of this is doing him any good, we so need to come to an agreement on how to proceed but he cannot accept the outcome.

Tall Girl

Tall Girl was in tears when I kissed her goodnight tonight. She is worried about the future. I have been away this weekend and Husband was away last weekend. She is aware that the family situation, which has been the same for all of her life, is changing. I tried to explain that no one can see into the future and say that everything will be how we want it to be. Good things will happen which we weren't expecting to happen and inevitably bad things will happen too. She wanted reassurance and I'm not sure I gave it to her, because who can tell what the future will hold? All I can tell her is that we all love her very much and that one of us will always be there to look after her. It is hard to see her so upset, She had spoken to Husband and said that she was frightened of what the future may hold, and he said he was too! That's not very reassuring to a nervous 12 year old. We need to be strong for the children, that is our job!

Anyway, she looked better after a while, and I did run the 'glass half full' theory past her once or twice!

Seeing her upset makes me feel guilty about splitting up the family. However I know I am doing the right thing for me. It seems very selfish, but I know they will survive the storm, children do, I did, we will. I'm also trying to reassure myself that crying, at her age, is fairly normal pre teen behaviour. And there will be more tears when she comes back after spending 24 hours with very little sleep after an organised trip to London on Tuesday! Oh joy!

Happy Valentines Weekend

I am a little bit busy this weekend, after being poorly last week (loads of sympathy please!) I am not at home, so it is strange that I can still be here! Anyway, I thought I would just drop in and say Happy Valentines to all of you. 

I hope that your heart is happy.

X

Little black clouds

So, my time is up! I am back, sharing the house again with Husband. Small Sprog was very pleased to see his daddy back, Tall Girl came to me in the kitchen after she had greeted him and asked if I was happy.

Tonight I will go back up to the spare room to sleep, having swapped to be close to the children over the last few nights. I had forgotten how a little black cloud would descend over my world, without warning, as soon as Husband came through the door. I can already feel the stress building between my shoulder blades.

Still, I have had a lovely time while he's been away, and for that I am thankful. This will be the second Sunday night in a row which I will spend, remembering to be thankful for what I have had rather than mourn for what I no longer have.

The night before the cat returns......

Tonight is my last night of freedom (I still have 2 Walnut Whips left, impressed huh?!) and today it dawned on me that I have enjoyed the last few days very much, even more than I expected to.

I was floating about the house this morning, realising how 'at home' I felt and how I had not felt that way here for such a long time, when I realised, 'This is how it should be all the time'!

I have enjoyed the childrens company no end, and I had a bonus day with them yesterday to boot. I can't say we have done anything in particular, we've just milled around happily together. I think one of the best things about not having Husband around is that I haven't had to clock watch or rush about. I can wash my hair and dry it without being expected to stop half way through the task! It hasn't mattered that we have had late breakfast, or that we are later home than expected. I haven't had to say what time we are going to be home for tea and it hasn't mattered that we have eaten curry tonight, watching TV!

Small Sprog went to a party this afternoon. I picked him up at 6pm. Another mum, who I had not met before, asked me if he was mine. I hesitated before answering!! What had he done now? Anyway, I thought I ought to own up and when I did she showered him with complements. No really! I mean, well, he used to be a bit of a loose cannon when he was younger. I could always rely on Tall Girl to behave properly wherever I took her, from a very early age, but he was not so reliable. However today he seems to have excelled! She complemented him on being a 'gentleman'! At aged 9 that's quite something! Anyway, whether he was or not, it did make me 'glow' inside.

While he was at the party, Tall Girl and I did some girly shopping. It was fun being with her, having time and going into all the shops that she wanted to visit. We didn't have much of a plan but time flew by and she was such good company.

Every night since he left, Husband has rung to say goodnight to the children. Other times when he has worked away he does the same, the children know the routine. However usually the phone is passed to me after they have finished talking to him. I have noticed, this time, that Tall Girl has taken charge of the phone these last few nights, taking it form Small Sprog and not putting me in the position of having to speak to him. She has just said goodnight and hung up. How grown up and understanding is that? She and I have not talked about it, but there is an acknowledgement there somewhere, that things have changed and that she can cope......I think.......I hope.

Schools Out!

How lucky are we? No work or school today.

Small Sprog is ecstatic. His school was one of the only ones open in the area yesterday. Tall Girls school is nine miles away, and the journey includes country lanes in the last half a mile or so, so she had a day off yesterday as well (lots of gloating!).

Yesterday, the three of us walked to school in the snow, which was very exciting! We normally drive in which takes about 5 minutes, the walk took around 40 minutes, but then again, it was snowing!

At lunch time Tall Girl and I returned home, picked up Small Sprogs sledge (which he has had for a few years but never used, because we never get snow in the city) and headed for the local golf course with some friends. Poor Small Sprog was still at school. I felt so mean going without him.

By the time I picked him up from school most of the snow had melted and all the other children were cold and wet and in need of hot chocolate! They didn't want to play any more. Small Sprog was sad. The sledge was his best thing, he had been waiting to use it for so long and it's no fun without other children to play with. I could see how brave he was being, trying not to cry with disappointment. I was frozen to the bone, having spent the afternoon outside and then standing in a freezing playground, waiting for him to emerge from school.

"We could have 5 minutes, just the two of us" I suggested. "It would be better than not going at all"
He shook his head. Thought about it for a bit, and then smiled! So off we went, out into the cold again! We found a reasonable slope, with a little ice and loads of slippy mud. It was his first experience of sledging, we laughed and he was happy.

We didn't stay long, it was getting dark, but this morning brings a fresh blanket of snow and new hope for a great sledging experience!

You may recognise the top picture.

This one below is my back garden, the Witch hazel is a little past it's best now.

Update!

Thank you all so much for your advice and comments, particularly about ironing, particularly the one about placing it under heavy books!! Only 3 Walnut Whips left (it was a big box full!)I watched a 'chick flick' last night but my conscience got the better of me so I multi tasked and ironed at the same time!

While the cat's away!

Freedom! Husband has gone away until Sunday, so I can relax and chill with the children. This means I can do some of the things that would annoy him if he were here, for example leave the tumble dryer on with the garage door closed! (It is on now!)

It is ages since I have spent much time at home without him. I am wondering what I used to fill my time with! So I am preparing to be decadent (when the children are in bed) and have written a mental list of great things to do, while I can!


Yesterday I found a surprise stash of Walnut Whips (I'm not sharing!) in a cupboard, they will definitely fit into the plan somewhere as will books, wine, music, long baths and generally drifting about!


There is one problem with my plan.....There is a huge pile of ironing and the house needs hoovering and sorting out generally. I have 'left' so many things undone recently. How much longer can I leave them for do you think?!!

On The Hill

I am sitting here tonight wondering how I can write anything at all about my weekend. I spent it away from here, it was wonderful......And as I write, I am trying very hard to be thankful for what has been, rather than feel sad for that which I no longer have. That is all I can say.

Sibling Rivalry

The children decided to conduct World War 3 in the living room tonight, as I was on the phone. Funny how they always choose those sort of moments, when you are incapable of intervening. Sometimes they can sort it all out for themselves but this was a major outbreak! Small Sprog was crying and his sister was shouting.
"Stop shouting!" I shouted. Do as I say, not as I do obviously! Then, after they have calmed down, I say "Treat each other gently"

They have witnessed a couple of 'disagreements' over the last few days, I can't help but worry it will affect their behaviour.

Treat each other gently is on my mind.

PS. As I write, they are hitting each other over the head with a balloon and laughing! No need to worry perhaps?

Time

Time, in this house, moves so slowly. I arrived home at 4 pm with the children today, to find Husband already home. My heart sank. I like to come home to an empty house, not for any particular reason, I just like to faff around for a bit before I make the dinner and I feel more relaxed without him here.

So, instead of chatting to the children and putting on the computer, I started to prepare dinner long before I needed to. I kept checking the time, each moment seemed so long. I felt caged, all the things I wanted to do were in the other room where he was.

We ate early even though we didn't need to and then there seemed nothing to do until Tall Girl needed to go out. The hours seemed empty and wasted.

In stark contrast, I had spent my day with a good friend. From 9 'till 3 the hours just flew by. Time is such a cruel master. Just when you want more time, it runs out, yet when you wish away the hours until the next excitement, time drags it's heals at snails pace. If only I could move the hours around a bit, more here, less there, just rearrange them for a while, until all this is over..........

Reflections

Another birthday party under the belt, and the end of the party season for another year (or 9 months anyway). Small Sprog had a great time at his party. He has some lovely friends, they were a joy to be with during the late afternoon and early evening.

Mum stayed over last night and she has just left. She managed to keep it together for the duration as did I. It has been a strange weekend, almost as if things here were just the same as they had always been. That was the point, I suppose, we all needed to keep things 'normal' for Small Sprog. However it was so easy to be in that state. How can that be? I guess I have got so used to pretending over that last months and indeed years, that it is easy to fall back into the same old routine. This, in itself, is a scary thing. How easy it would be to stay here and play happy families, all the time living in a numb, passionless world, but here none the less. How easy for us all to stay the same and pretend. But then I come to my senses and think, no! It was not easy, that is why I'm where I am at this moment in time. Nothing ever stays the same, I have no wish to live here for a moment longer than I have to. Yet how easy it is to succumb to a recognisable and regular routine way of living, it almost has a soporific effect, it would be so much easier than moving just one small step into the unknown.

Birthday & Assorted bits

It is Small Sprogs birthday today. I can't believe he's 9! We've been to casualty so many times, there were moments when I thought we may never get this far! He is having a party tomorrow so, tonight, we went out to eat. He was most embarrassed when some of the waiting staff sang a rap style 'Happy Birthday' to him at the top of their voices, to the whole packed restaurant! He may remember his 9th birthday for this!

It has been an emotional week with one thing and another (though it has also had some moments of pleasure). I have been dreading Small Sprogs birthday for sometime, however tonight was good and at least I'm half way through the two day event. Mum is coming for his party tomorrow. Although she seemed to take the news well when I visited last weekend, I have spoken to her on the phone this week and it has not been so good. She is constantly questioning my judgement and of course worrying. It may sound a little harsh but I really can't worry about her worrying about me at the moment. I just need her to be there, not judge or fuss. It will be a strain tomorrow when she comes. She has her 'sympathetic' voice on when we speak. I don't need sympathy right now, just some sort of normality. The thing that sent her over the edge was a call from Husband when I was out last Sunday. She really didn't need to have him go over the whole thing with her as I had done on the previous day. He didn't tell me he'd phoned her either, so I was not ready for the fall out when I spoke to her last Monday. Lets hope the whole thing stays under the surface until Small Sprog is safely asleep tomorrow night.

Just one last thing.... Saz from FFF sent me this after I commented on her last post 'Hope'. I liked it, so wanted to share, I hope you do to.....

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

Emily Dickinson

Pudding

On the way home from school, Small Sprog decided he was going to make pudding tonight. It was his own recipe.
"I need ice cream" He says.
That's a surprise!
"And biscuits, and those cherries you keep in the cupboard"
"OK" I sigh. Sometimes, when I'm tired, I haven't always got the strength to be enthusiastic about having him (at his most excitable) in the kitchen. However I agreed to him assembling pudding partly because I thought, by the time we ate, he would have forgotten all about it! I was wrong. No sooner had he finished his dinner than he was up and rushing to the freezer. I tell him that I don't think I'm ready for pudding yet and he looks suddenly crestfallen. It is funny how he gets these things into his head and I can't bare to disappoint him. "OK then, just a small portion for me" I sooth, and off he goes into the kitchen to 'create'. It's all in the presentation for him. He takes ages arranging things.

Finally it is done. It's title, 'A Cherry On Top', consisted of a biscuit base, with ice cream balanced on top and a cherry on top of that, all covered in small pieces of chocolate. You can see that the healthy eating message form school is upper most in his mind!
Tall Girl and I ate it with much appreciation. Tall Girl commented on the delicious outcome. "It took me ages to mash up the chocolate" he sighed as he wiped his brow. It's a hard life as a Master Chief.

PS. While I was writing this I had to ask him the title of his creation as I had forgotten. "You're not blogging that are you mum?" He shouts. How well he knows me!

The school run

Small Sprog is excited. It is his birthday on Friday with his party on Saturday and he has an invite for tea on Thursday. What a social whirl! His excitement is almost out of control! This results in him not being able to sleep, which also results in the rest of us not being able to sleep either! Last night he woke several times, and finally got up at 5.30am. Every year we have the same behaviour. I have to say, though it is lovely to be excited, it is exhausting too and that's just me! The outcome of the lack of sleep and excitement leads to extreme overdrive, and that is what he is on at the moment. He can't keep still, he is all over the place, loud, bossy and 'hyper'. Only another five days left to go!! (I'm a mummy get me out of here!)

Anyway, today I went to school to pick him up at 3.15 as usual. I also picked up a friends child, (one of his harem) who is equally excitable. It took me ages to 'herd' them into the car, but finally they were in (very loudly) and constrained in their seat belts! It is a wonderful thing to get them in the car, and hear the silence as I shut the passenger door. It is tempting just to stand there for a while, where I can't hear them, before I walk around the car to open my door, and begin the journey.

As I start the car the music automatically starts. "Turn it up!" They both shout, so I do. "More, more" they chant as the volume goes through the roof and my small car vibrates with the sound. And that is how we drive home. Nickleback at full volume and both of them on air guitar, Small Sprog and his 'Rock Chick'!

My Mum

It is funny how, sometimes, days that you have dreaded turn out to be not so bad in the end. I was not looking forward to breaking my news to mum today. I didn't want to see her upset. However she was wonderful, understanding and calm. She cried a little, because all I said about my relationship resonated with her own, and that is also what spurs me on. In 30 years, I do not want to be where she is now, though she says it is easier of late than it has been for a while.
She is worried for the children, of course, and me too, but she can see I have a strength and resolve to see it through and I think she took some strength from that herself. She has always been there for me, I am very lucky to have her here with me still, no matter how much she flurries in and out of my life! Mums are very special people.

Emotional Rollercoaster

As expected, this week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. At home things have been difficult at best. Husband told Tall Girl, in a fit of temper, that we are splitting up. It was an unforgivable thing to do to her in the middle of the night. However she has lived with it for a few days and seems to be exploring the fact, and going with it. She is sensible beyond her years and has many friends in the same situation. She has talked it over with some of them and realised, I think (and hope) that life goes on afterwards. I have noticed, especially tonight as I tucked her into bed, that she is examining other peoples relationships. She is mentioning how other peoples parents behave together and I have realised myself, how easy it is to look at other families and couples and see a 'normal' family life that may not really be there at all.

She has promised not to tell Small Sprog, another thing that she has to bare, because it is his birthday next week, and I so want to get through that without any more upset in the house. It is him that I am dreading telling most of all. He is such a happy soul and it will be so sad to see the happiness drain from him. If I was a praying sort of person, I think I would be doing lots of it now.

Each person that I have to tell brings it's sadness. Not a sadness for myself but a sadness at how upset I am making other people by my actions. Tomorrow I am going to see my mum to tell her. This comes second to telling Small Sprog. I have no idea how she will take the news. She will worry, but may be cross and she will most definitely be sad.

But however much I examine the process, I have no choice but to move on. At least I only have to say it once to each person. The whole process is nearly completed and once they are all told, they will come to terms with the situation I hope. Meanwhile friends are so supportive, and the depths of my oasis know no bounds.

PS. Thank you for all your considered comments over the last week.

The visit

My Brother in Law visited today. He listened well and it was an amicable meeting. He says he wishes he'd realised the extent of things here and that, if he had, maybe he could have helped to make things better, which is sweet of him but I think probably not possible. Everyone is so shocked. It's funny how good we get at pretending.

Obviously I am the one who has lived with this impending saga in my head for sometime now, so it is hard for me to understand other peoples shock and confusion. For me, this is the beginning of a new phase, for others it is a sad ending.

Other people are distressed. I have to keep reminding myself that I have been distressed and this is how I am attempting to solve it. Causing it to others is not a nice thing to do but if it is mine or theirs then there seems little choice. Is that selfish? I know it will get worse before it gets better.

9 to 5

After Husband visited his sister last week, I received a call from my Brother in Law to arrange to meet with me tomorrow. It is hard to know what he will say to me, I presume he will be attempting to change my mind, but he has no chance of doing so, and then again, he doesn't know the whole story. I have always got on well with him, and he's pretty decent, but I am the 'outsider' as it were and I feel I my have a slight disadvantage. Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest! I'll see how it goes and let you know.

Pick and Mix

"Mummy, you have a nozzle (Tall Girl speak for nose) like a witch"

She's so cutting sometimes!

"Mmm, thanks!" I reply

"No you haven't" Small Sprog rushes in to rescue me, "it is a perfectly beautiful nozzle, to me" He soothes!

How does he do it? Always on cue, my sweet boy!

I have been lucky enough to receive an award from Jenny Thanks Jen.

I think I have to pass it on ......

........so here goes

This is the blurb that goes with it and needs to be posted alongside the award on your post.

Blogs who receive this award are "exceedingly charming," says it's authors. This award is a fine one because it focuses not on the glory and fanfare of blogging, but in the PROXIMITY to one another through this online-world. "This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY--nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into into the body of their award."

It is hard to chose only 8 bloggers, most people on my sidebar come into this category, so I will award this to the first 8 of you who comment here. I hope that's OK, too difficult to chose otherwise!

And lastly, to everyone who commented on my post below, your support has meant a lot, thanks so much for all your comments, they have stayed in my mind and kept me going this week.

A New Year.

It's only the 7th day of 2009 and things have changed considerably here in suburbia this year. Any of you who visit regularly will know that things in the garden have not always been rosy. When you have lived like that for a long time, it is a relief to change everything.

Lots of people make changes in the new year but we're not talking resolutions here. Resolutions come and go and no one keeps many of them, yet we all do it again the following year. But this is different. Things have got progressively better, or worse depending on your perspective, every day since the first of the month. It is a strange path to follow, but it feels more right than anything else I have ever done, and I'm not one for decision making on a small scale!

Tomorrow Husband is going to his sisters to stay for a while. It is a good thing, for he needs to talk to someone else about what has happened. I will enjoy the time here without him and will not miss his presence, unless the children are both vomiting at the same time, in which case an extra pair of hands always comes in useful!

Meanwhile the children are in blissful ignorance. I know they will adapt, I did, others do.

Some of you will think of me as selfish. It is funny how one can keep a household together for so long yet all at once, suddenly become the one who is to blame. I can live with the title, time will tell the rest of the story.

Taking down the tree.

There is great satisfaction in clearing up after Christmas (for me anyway), the tree has been put outside this morning, the poor tortured thing was well past it's best and there is a mild sense of relief at the return to normality. Oh I've been itching to tidy up for days! The decorations are all packed away in their various boxes, each set has its own box. There is a method in the packing away, is that odd?!

However the children and their friends are sprawled across the floor and haven't even noticed that the tree has gone or that I am hovering around them. They are up for eviction when I finish this post!

Yesterday was spent with some very close friends. Just the children and I. We ate and walked, came home with numb feet and noses, the children played a lot and then we ate again! The company of close and caring friends is such a good feeling. It was the almost the nicest part of my Christmas holiday, and so clearing up today seems a fitting end to the festive period.

PS, I couldn't stand the green background any longer, so I'm back to my restful sea blue, it's a bit like clearing up after Christmas, I need some things to return to normal!

Awards and stuff..........

Small Sprog had a house full of girls yesterday! However he spent his afternoon building castles, well you have to get your priorities right don't you? I am apparently not up to scratch on the castle building front, so we battled instead. At least he can always beat me. He beats me at Mario Kart too, damn it!

On the other hand, Tall Girl and her friends were ensconced on the double bed in the attic for the afternoon, snuggled in duvets, watching this . Her first Chick flick! I wish I'd taken a picture of them, they looked so cute together!

Yesterday, the second day of 2009, was a very good one.

Also.....

....I have been awarded these!

Thank you so much Saz

I am completely thrilled with them, especially the top one because it's so pretty.

Saz says......I'm awarding THE SOULFUL AWARD to the bloggers I find particularly insightful, original, humorous, inspiring and yes soulful!
The online Dictionary definition of soulful is - full of or expressing deep emotion
The Thesaurus offered up these synonyms - ardent, deep, expressive, feeling, fiery, fervid, impassioned, meaningful, moving, passionate, stirred, stirring, tender, touching
I'm sure you get the drift ...

The friendship one speaks for itself I think.

So, I have to pass both on to five people I love to read. So here goes....

For friendship....

BS5

Kitty

Rose

Liz

And lastly Jen (Who always makes me laugh!)

Soulful Bloggers award........

365 to 42

Nuts in May

Scarlett

Hulla and Bobo (both of whom are sometimes very soulful)

xxx

Looking forward or looking back?

So how was it for you?! Did you look forward at New Year or backwards to past years? I reminisced about probably the worst New Year I can remember, which is quite funny now in hindsight, and also to other more special times spent at parties in great company.

The worst one was spent whilst living with a friend. She was bedridden with a bad back. I had moved there temporarily between homes and men, and she had lost her husband the previous year, so we were not in the happiest positions in the first place! She had been laid up with her back for some months and lived in her double bed amongst papers and letters and plates with half eaten dinners on them. It all lived under the duvet with her, only cleared out at intervals which were not regular enough! She liked it that way.

So we were both single at the time and on New Years Eve we drank wine together in her bed and cried! Another friend turned up later who's son had attempted suicide the day before. A happy bunch we all were then! However, it is interesting to look back at that time and realise that these things pass, quite quickly really, and better things turn up sooner or later.

This New Years Eve will be remembered, for me, as being the most unusual and unexpected I have experienced. I spent a fair bit of it listening to a friends marriage problems, which I had no idea about, though I thought I knew her so well. Not a very festive subject but memorable all the same!

Right now I find looking forward to New Years to come almost impossible. I have no idea where this year will go and so, as always, I am living in the past.